Reports emerging from Wunderground offices today indicate that shit stirring bullshit artist, Stu of Wunderground, was shocked to discover that every day wasn’t April Fool’s Day and that news agencies are only supposed to “make shit up” on one specified day of the year.
“This comes as quite a shock,” claimed the classically handsome Stu, the proud owner of a well proportioned body and above average penis. “I came into work this morning to be inundated with story after story of unbelievable incidents told in a tongue in cheek tone and my initial thought was that I had somehow started writing the whole internet unbeknownst to myself like some kind of cyber Tyler Durden.”
“After that solipsistic ego trip ended, I began to investigate online and realised that they were joking because this is a special day where everyone is allowed to make stuff up for funny jokes,” continued Stu. “I thought you could just do that every day without need for special permission.”
“Thankfully it is only one day,” he added, “or I’d be out of a job and be forced to go back to futilely trying to make my disappointed parents laugh for approval.”
“Which is a terrifying thought. I’m looking through the other end of the telescope now,” added the writer. “It’s like the internet turned inside out and shat my own mental thoughts back onto my stupid face.”
Stu says that he eventually calmed down using some breathing techniques he mastered to stave off drug induced panic attacks and decided that with the news that every other website will be running stories akin to the sort of bullshit he writes daily that he will take the rest of the day off and spend it “eating crisps and wanking in a back garden paddling pool” instead.
But, according to an extremely fragrant smelling and well groomed Stu, not before writing a self-fellating meta-joke about his own pretend shock at discovering that every day wasn’t April Fool’s.
“No point doing any work for the rest of the day,” concluded Stu. “Better off going home, picking up a multi-pack of Monster Munch, stripping down to my socks and settling into the paddling pool for a day of wistful bellybutton staring. They can have their internet for the day. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Citing the fact that with people today essentially doing his job for him by publishing nonsense designed to trick readers, Stu decided that a far more constructive application of his time would be to “get back to [his] real nature” of wanking and eating junk food like “he does at Christmas, or on Sundays, and Saturdays, and most evenings”.
