A young man who has recently updated his LinkedIn profile by changing his profession to DJ is “living a pathetic delusional fantasy” according to close friends and family who admit they are worried for his state of mind and “embarrassed by association”.
Shane Kirwan bought himself a copy of popular DJing software Traktor as well as an S4 controller and since that time has becoming increasingly convinced that he is a world class DJ to the extent that he listed himself as a DJ on LinkedIn.
“It’s pathetic and embarrassing,” commented Shane’s best friend Emmett. “Since he’s got Traktor he’s started to think that it automatically makes him a DJ. It’s like you putting on a Manchester United jersey and then believing that you play for them. It’s mental.”
Emmett says that Shane has been working as a loss adjuster since leaving school and is a quite successful middle manager which makes this “foray into DJing even more embarrassing” because “although the average person doesn’t know what a loss adjuster does, it’s a steadier, more reliable career path than being a 34 year old man-child entertaining delusions of DJing superstardom”.
In spite of the best efforts of his friends and family to “bring Shane back to reality”, Emmett says that his delusion is getting more and more pronounced claiming it’s gotten to the point where his job, as well as his dignity, is in danger.
“He could lose his job,” continued Emmett. “He’s started coming into work dressed in casual clothes, a block colour tee and skinny jeans, the sort of stuff you’d expect a DJ to wear and not the suit that is appropriate for his job. He’s only ever played one DJ set at a clubnight held by a friend of ours and he was only paid in Fosters, which as everyone knows is shit and shouldn’t be used as remuneration for any self respecting adult, even Aussies.”
A quick browse of Shane’s LinkedIn profile reveals a profile picture featuring him “posing regrettably with an unplugged CDJ while topless” as well as a past work history that lists previous experience as “dancing in Berghain, watching tutorials on Youtube and once shaking hands with Todd Terje”.
“As well as that he’s had business cards printed and is in the process of buying likes for his fanpage on FB despite the fact that he’s played one gig ever,” concluded Emmett. “He’s even had business cards made up that he’s been handing out at gigs around the city in the hopes of getting gigs despite the very notion of business cards being obsolete and him only knowing how to mix with one format and even then exclusively mixing tracks culled from other DJ’s sets and Beatport charts.”
A planned intervention for Shane is scheduled to take place next week where his friends plan on sitting him down and giving him the unflinching truth that he’s not now nor will he ever be a world famous DJ, advice Emmett says that “should have been given to Steve Aoki years ago”.
