English dance music stalwart, Carl Cox, has announced that he is to release a sex tape in a bid to display how easy it is to become a Hollywood celebrity DJ.
Cox, who has been playing sell out shows in America for a number of years now, is said to be perturbed at his level of success in the United States while mediocre EDM stars, like Calvin Harris and Paris Hilton, are household names.
Wunderground caught up with the DJ earlier today, “It’s always been a bit of a dream of mine to become A Hollywood A-list celebrity. I’d love a spot on the walk of fame,” claimed the DJ. “I nearly always write my name and put my hands in wet concrete when I see it and it’d just be great to be able to do that without having to look over my shoulder for police or council workers for a change.”
“My wife has been asking me why I don’t just make some commercial music or do a remix for Rhianna or Lady Gaga. To be honest I think she’s just jealous because I bang lots of other girls in the sex tape, she knows I’d never sell out like a cunt,” he claimed dismissively. “I’ve achieved just about everything available to me in music and I’d rather release a sex tape than make EDM.”
“Which is quite a big deal for me because I’m really at my most vulnerable while having sex and it often ends in tears,” he added.
“I’m going down the Paris Hilton sex tape route so I’ll be releasing it commercially. It seemed to work wonders for her career and, apart from absorbing semen, she has practically no talent,” joked Mr. Cox. “I spent decades working hard, DJing and releasing cutting edge new music to get an Ibiza residency, whereas she sucked a bit of dick in front of a camera, got a twenty minute Traktor lesson and BOOM, she’s an Amnesia resident.”
“Maybe it’ll work like that for me and I’ll have a mansion in the Hollywood hills this time next year!” he said wishfully.
“The tape is going to be called Carl’s Cock and Friends, although it’s not actually going to be a tape, it’ll most likely be released on DVD or as a digital download,” explained the DJ. “It’s an hour long interracial gang bang, which is something I’ve really wanted to do ever since I watched Colin Farrell’s sex tape.”
“He’s a guy I really respect and he’s been a big influence on my own tape,” explained Cox, pictured above counting how many birds he bangs in his sex tape. “I mean the guy said he’d eat that pussy for ‘breakfast, lunch and dinner’. That demands a lot of respect, I like fanny as much as the next man but after having it for breakfast and lunch I’d be proper starving and I’d definitely need some actual food for my dinner. The man’s a machine.”
Cox is said to be considering a career in porn if his attempt to become an A-Lister fails after admitting that “shagging all those girls” was the greatest thing to happen to him since he “learned how to wank”.
I just love it, when smart people talk. Thumbs up for you, Mr. Cox! 🙂
That’s why idiots like you shouldnt talk. The article is obviously a joke