Happy Monday’s dancer, maraca shaker and drug dealer Bez has reportedly developed a new brand of gurn proof ecstasy.
Bez says that the new drug works just like normal ecstasy only, while under the influence of it, you don’t look like your trying to lick your ear with your teeth.
“It’s got all the same effects of ecstasy, dancing all night to any music, talking shite on the comedown and even leaves you feeling wrecked and unable to eat your dinner the next day, but one thing it doesn’t do is make you gurn your jaw off,” explained Bez while on the e’s, sat perfectly still, only nodding his head slightly to the sounds of Step On. “Basically you’ll still get these pills you’ll still get the thrills and bellyaches but not the jaw ache.”
“In pursuing my political career I knew that I wouldn’t be able to be on the eccies while carrying out constituent work so needed to somehow disguise how fucked I was, people always expect me to be dancing shaking maracas and talking shite in my Manc drawl, so that wasn’t the problem, my rolling jaw was the dead giveaway so I teamed up with a group of Amsterdam based chemists and developed these bangers.”
Bez claims he’s tried the gurn free e’s in all kinds of situations to make sure they work such as when talking to MPs, using a police officers helmet to do a shit, raising his kids and looking for UFOs with Shaun Ryder.
“Shaun didn’t even know I was on em,” he added. “That was all the proof I needed.”
The new pills will have a special stamp of Bez’s face on them, will be coloured bright orange because that’s Bez’s favourite colour and are said to be available this summer.
If you went and sourced yourself some sassasfras oil based mdma (surprisingly not tbf hard!) then you will actually experience real ecstasy other than taking shitty pills, which are cut and probably making you gurn a whole lot more unnecessarily.
The “smart” thing for ravers to do is stay clear of pills…geez