Police nationwide have issued a warning claiming that the current hipster beard craze that is taking over the faces of young men everywhere is making it increasingly hard for people to spot paedophiles.
“Typically you could identify a paedophile quite easily by the presence of a bushy, unkempt beard clinging to his leering face,” explained Chief Inspector Alex Hollander of the Child Protection Division. “But now with every young man in sight having a beard it’s making it harder to tell who is a paedophile and who isn’t.”
C.I. Hollander warned that beards have “since the 50s” served as an early warning system for people when faced with a prospective paedophile but that that has been ruined by the “hipster beard craze”.
“Increasingly people will have to rely on other markers to identify the paedophile such as his combed over hair, tan coloured vans, retro 70s style clothing and the fact that he’s standing in the shrubbery with his erect penis in his hand, looking you in the eye and cooing softly with sexual pleasure,” he added.
“To be safe from potential paedophiles we’re warning the public to just assume anyone with a beard is a paedophile and to take the necessary action,” he continued, “which is to chase them with a hatchet before spitting in their faces and kicking them square in their kiddie loving balls.”
“People are then advised to inform the authorities,” he added.
One hipster, who until recently wore a fashionable beard, has recounted how he was forced to shave it off after being repeatedly accused of being a paedophile.
“To be honest,” remarked hipster Alex Parnstell, “while I feel like I’ve been discriminated against because of my beard, I don’t think it’d be fair to say that I was wrongly targeted because I do actually find children quite attractive. They’ve got such soft hands and arses.”
Most hipsters, concluded C.I. Hollander, unlike the one interviewed – who was roundly nonce bashed after making his kiddy fiddling admission – are not paedophiles but “still pose a threat to children everywhere by forcing them to adhere to a conformed idea of stylish individualism like wearing beards, cycling bikes or sexing kids.”
Brilliant.