It has today been revealed that the drug dealer who provided cocaine to celebrity chef Nigella Lawson (pictured) is offering customers an exclusive 7-course drug tasting menu.
The dealer, who we can’t name for legal reasons but we’ll will call him Gordon or Ramsey, is reportedly as passionate about “the expert preparation, presentation and experience” of taking drugs as Nigella is about eating food and is said to offer the 7-course delux experience in his high class London drug den.
“This is just a step up from your typical drug taking experience that you might get from one of your chain drug dealers,” explained Gordon. “They barge you in, shove crap down your gob and want you out the door quick as so they can get the next gobshite to be ripped off in. It’s disgusting.”
Gordon insists that with his 7-course experience all of the drugs are prepared with the utmost care and that the quality of the drugs is second to none.
“I locally source my drugs as much as possible but I also offer a range of more exotic imported stuff from places like India or Colombia that provide top, top, gear,” explained Gordon.
The menu, according to Gordon, is designed to take the user through a typical binge providing the necessary uppers, downers, music and entertainment to create the perfect atmosphere.
“We start, as every session should, with a copious amount of alcohol,” offered Gordon, seating us at typical bar table. “After the alcohol lightens the mood we tease the nostrils with course two, high grade cocaine. Which really settles nicely in the throat and perks the evening up with chattering conversation and hoovering sounds.”
“After the coke has settled on the brain and people are feeling lively we slip into club mode with course three, specially sourced White Dove ecstasy tablets that are no longer manufactured,” continued Gordon who said that this course and every other course from here on out is accompanied by a specially catered musical selection compiled by Sasha.
Following course three, Gordon says he likes to “wait for an hour or two to let the heady atmosphere really jump off the plate” before introducing the ketamine course.
“This is where things get sloppy,” laughed Gordon who says that for the ketamine course users typically retire to the fireside bean bags and listen to Sasha & Digweed Northern Exposure for its duration until the 2ci course is ready. “The 2ci is typically the giggliest course but it can also be the most harrowing. Luckily our trained team of staff are on hand to cater to any users need such as providing a reassuring hug or cigarette.”
“The final two courses of weed and then valium are where things are gently wound back down,” explains Gordon. “We offer customers a selection of bongs or papers allowing them to make their own mind up on how to get smoked,” continued Gordon who said a selection of funny films or trippy documentaries are recommended at this stage although they are not compulsory.
“Finally then the customers are allowed to retire into a four poster bed where they’re provided with a 10mg valium or ‘bluey’ and a glass of water,” concluded Gordon. “Customers usually take this time to really savour the experience and let the aroma and atmosphere float around their brain until they drift off into a gentle, relaxing sleep.”
