For those men who’ve ever had the urge to loudly assert their abandonment of traditional male gender roles by wearing salmon coloured shirts, getting lower back tattoos or wearing garishly bright colourful sunglasses a London store is offering all men who purchase shades considered “loud” the option of having their penis fully removed.
“Men who purchase sunglasses that depict the feminine colours like pink or magenta will have a penis removal included in the price for absolutely no extra charge,” explained spokesperson Charlie Miller. “Colourful shades have seen a massive boost in popularity over the last few summers among young liberal straight men, hipsters and old guys at festivals.”
Charlie claims that by abandoning the more masculine colours like black or grey “it’s plainly obvious that these men aren’t interested in attracting any members of the opposite sex which leaves the penis a flaccid, wasteful tube of skin – like an appendix that you piss out of”.
The penis removal is said to be done with a sterilized guillotine “right in the store” and “customers have the option of matching the colour of their stitching to whatever girly colour they’ve chosen for the glasses”.
“Well we’ll be doing a rolling scale based on the ‘gayness’ of the colour chosen,” continued Charlie. “Those guys who go for pink or purple shades will have our full penis removal so that they can completely embrace the sexless unmasculine vibe of wearing colourful sunglasses.”
“Whereas if you get orange or green you can just get the tip lobbed off,” he added.
One happy customer is Roy Cleevers (pictured) who insists that he is entirely happy with the procedure claiming that “thanks to Varys in Game of Thrones being a eunuch is very in fashionable right now – even if he doesn’t have a pair of silly emasculating shades”.
