Doctors around the world have rejoiced as it has emerged that a cure for boners has finally been discovered.
Speaking to an excited press the World Health Organisation claimed that the simple act of “wanking”, stroking your hard penis with your hand, for a certain amount of time will “make the boner go away in 100% of cases”.
“This is just great news and really highlights the marvelous achievements of modern medicine,” offered WHO Head Margaret Chan. “For thousands of years mankind has had to endure the plight of the unwanted boner, on buses, during a job interview, when watching steamy sex scenes in the company of your parents or when waking up with a stiff one on a class camping trip.”
“Thankfully, no-one will ever have to suffer that embarrassment again as a result of this revolutionary, non-invasive, simple cure,” continued Ms. Chan explaining that men, like the one pictured, will no longer have to suffer the indignity of the public pants tent. “This disgusting affliction is finally a thing of the past.”
“And the great thing is anyone can cure a boner, you can do it yourself or have a girlfriend, boyfriend, lady’s vagina, man’s bum or sock do it for you,” she added.
The WHO have published information for men everywhere detailed exactly how to cure boners which says that “stroking the shaft of your penis with a saliva-wet hand in an up and down motion while thinking about your friend’s Mum or girlfriend until a white liquid shoots out” will guarantee you become fully cured within minutes.
“The boner will instantly begin to deflate and newly cured men will experience a sleepy contentment,” added the report. “Protective eye wear is recommended in extreme cases of ‘blue ball’ boners but all others should be easily cured by following the simple instructions.”
“Like all men, I’ve suffered from boners since I was about 11 or 12,” explained newly cured former boner sufferer David Jordan. “But now, thanks to wanking, I can just excuse myself and get rid of the boner in a matter of minutes with a few pumps followed by a squirt.”
The miracle cure promises that humanity can begin to throw off the shroud of horror that boners have cast over it for generations ensuring that no-one will have to “suffer through those heartbreaking boner research adverts that feature men with boners in their hands crying desperately”.
“I’m just glad that finally I can sleep on my stomach,” concluded David, “and won’t have to worry about poking children in the eye on buses or pissing into my own face.”
