It has been revealed today that health conscious drug barons, keen to capitalise on the current fetishisation of fad diets, have begun manufacturing a brand of ecstasy which is both paleo acceptable and gluten free.
“Everything now has to have a random and unnecessary gluten free or paleo option attached to it so we felt that it was responsible to the consumer to offer an alternative to the regular, gluten heavy ecstasy tabs,” confirmed one member of a drug organisation believed to be responsible for the batch. “We also felt that people will buy anything they believe to be gluten free, even highly toxic drugs like ecstasy or things that are already gluten free, like ecstasy.”
The new pills, believed to be called ‘life hacks’, ‘crossfits’ and ‘ecs-ercises’, are set to flood the European and US markets later this summer “just in time for beach body yoga dickbag season”.
The announcement has been embraced by ecstasy fans the world over, particularly those whose partying lifestyle has taken its toll on their bodies and are jumping on any health kick possible to alleviate the sense of guilt that they’ve destroyed their bodies.
“They get you just as whacked as normal pills,” claimed one user, “but also give you a sense of smug superiority allowing you to disdainfully snigger at those who eat normal diets and self righteously lecture them so that you can feel better. Which is amazing.”
“They’re just better,” he continued, “I took one after yoga class at a folktronica gig and I just felt super buoyant, healthier and both physically and morally superior to people taking normal ecstasy.”
The drug baron responsible for the decision took time out of petting his tiger to claim that the gluten-free paleo pills were “totally [his] own decision and had nothing to do with placating one of [his] girlfriends”.
