A recent Calvin Harris show was reportedly marred for attendees due to the presence of Calvin Harris.
“I suppose we probably should have expected it in hindsight, I mean his name was on the bill,” declared one attendee. “When you go to a Calvin Harris show there is the implicit suggestion made that Calvin Harris will be in attendance.”
Witnesses claim that Mr. Harris offended those present “with his face, attitude and music” and that some people became visibly upset and required medical attention after having had to listen to a Calvin Harris set.
“It was frightening,” recounted another witness. “I brought my two young sons with me and they’re both now horribly traumatized. They spent most of the evening begging for me to make it stop while I held them in my arms, weeping myself salty tears of a desperate man. Nothing in life quite prepares you for an experience like that.”
Nobody is believed to have been seriously hurt as a result of the outbreaks of Calvin Harris at the event but one man complained of suffering a sore throat from retching loudly when he’d already thrown up the contents of his stomach upon hearing Calvin Harris’s music.
Paramedics report that some people began to experience bleeding from the ears as well as mild annoyance and anger which took the form of loud tutting directed towards Mr. Harris almost the moment the outspoken Scotsman took to the stage.
“I was sort of hoping for something to lighten the mood, to take the sting out of being at a Calvin Harris show like random acts of extreme violence, a heart attack or a sexual assault,” concluded one man. “All would have been preferable, but instead all I got was Calvin Harris playing an hour of his own tunes on an iPod and putting his newly buffed arms in the air while taking my money.”
“Putting his newly buffed arms in the air while taking my money.” Yes.