A report published today has claimed that alcohol remains the best thing people can consume to fill the emotional void at the core of your being.
Alcohol beat out heroin, cigarettes and food to be declared the world’s number one emotional void filler, with ‘love’ and ‘friendship’ finishing last and second last respectively.
“It really is the best solution,” claimed the lead doctor in charge of the study Alex Hess. “Love and respect don’t really fill the hole, they hug the sides of it for a bit and say that they’ll always be there for it but they don’t really get in and fill the thing, only alcohol can do that.”
“I just like the way the alcohol dampens the horror at the core of my being,” claimed one happy drinker, Anna who describes her soul as ‘wounded’ and who replied to every board in a Rorschach test with the word ’emptiness’.
“I’ve been through some life changing trauma both as a child and again as a young adult so naturally I love how alcohol washes over the pain, numbing it with each sip.”
“Sometimes,” continued Anna, “when I’m dwelling on the futility of human existence I’ll reach over and take a sip of whiskey and feel slightly better. Even through the tears and loneliness I can feel the improvement.”
“I know that when I contemplate my own mortality it’s preferable for me to do it through a tinge of dark alcohol,” added Steve, who says he has been drinking to forget ever since he was bullied in school. “Those experiences left a gaping hole in my heart, which is almost perfectly alcohol shaped.”
“I love how the alcohol collects and and flows in the pool-like vastness at the core of my being,” continued Steve, weeping openly as he clutched a bottle of deep red wine which he had been drinking straight from the bottle while listening to the sounds of a couple having sex through the wall who he says have attained a happiness that he’ll never know. “The alcohol won’t cure my broken heart or ever really fill the hole in my soul but that knowledge won’t stop me from trying.”
Alcohol, claims the study, is the perfect solution to almost every problem including from mild social awkwardness, sexual performance anxiety, your inability to love yourself and the crippling feeling that life is for nothing and that eventually you’ll die, most likely alone.
