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April 17, 2013
3 mins read

Best Movie Never! ‘Twice’ – The Sequel To ‘Once’.

INTRODUCTION:

The year was 2011.

Looking to break into the film industry by coat tailing on the success of others, I decided to write a Spec script for a sequel to Oscar winning indie darling, ‘Once’.

Entitled ‘Twice’, the screenplay could best be described as a singer songwriter version of ‘Point Blank’, only with added telekinesis and nunchucks.

Sadly, the script was rejected on the grounds of being “too amazing”.

Here, published for the first time, is an exclusive excerpt.

Setting the scene:

‘Once’ ended with ‘Guy’ (Glen Hansard) departing for London to reunite with his ex girlfriend. Though he and ‘Girl’ (Markéta Irglová) had planned to meet up and spend his last night together, Girl never showed, as she could not bring herself to betray her husband. Unable to find her to say his final Goodbye, Guy buys Girl a piano and arranges to have it delivered to her flat before heading to the airport.

It is one of the most bittersweet and poignant endings in motion picture history.

SIX YEARS LATER…

INT. FLAT – EVENING

GIRL and her HUSBAND are watching Fair City with their four neighbors. There is a loud knock at the door.

Girls Husband opens up to find GUY standing in the hallway. He looks very angry.

HUSBAND: Hello. How can I help you?

GUY: You can start by wiping that crap looking smile off your muck looking face.

HUSBAND: Excuse me?

Guy nuts the Husband a loaf and struts inside. Girl leaps to her feet.

GUY (to Girl):  Is this him, is it? Is this him?

HUSBAND (In Czech): Who is this man?

GIRL ( in Czech): It’s okay, he’s a friend.

GUY: What are ya saying about me? Are you slaggin me hair, are ya?

Guy belts girl’s husband in the shin with a nun chuck.

GUY:  ARE YOU SLAGGIN ME HAIR?

Girls husband hits the floor, yelping in agony. Guy gives him a few more warning belts across the head and pelvis to let him know he means business.

GIRL: Stop it! What are you doing?

GUY:  Six years ago—Me and you had a date, ya stood me up! Left me looking like a right dope so ya did!

GIRL: What? I thought that you understood our love could never be! You bought me a piano!

GUY:  Well that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? Two grand that bleedin’ thing set me back. Two grand and I didn’t so much as get to second base on ya.

GIRL: But it was such a beautiful gesture.

GUY:  A fool’s gesture! You mugged me off like a fool, so ya did!

GIRL: No! That’s not true!

GUY:  Two Grand ya set me back! Two grand, now I want reimbursement.

GIRL: Reimbursement? We don’t have that kind of money.

GUY:  Well you had better get it, ya hear me?

GIRL: But I can’t–

Guy turns and looks dead into the camera. His eyes are every bit as afire as his long flowing locks. If ever a line had Oscar bait written all over it, this is it:

GUY:  Fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

GIRL: What?

Guy puts his foot through the TV set. The neighbors howl their disapproval and leap to their feet. Guy repels them with a sonic C note, killing two instantly. The others lie crumpled on the floor, bleeding from their eyes and ears. Guy sets about garroting them with a vacuum cleaner tube.

GUY:  No one stands me up, ya hear me? No one! If you don’t have me money in three days I’m coming back here to kill your dog.

GIRL: But I don’t have a dog.

Guy produces a cocker spaniel pup from his jacket pocket. It is doe eyed and adorable. He flings it into Girls face, hard.

GUY: You do now.

Guy blows a hole in the wall with a high pitched D, then storms out of the room.

Tears stream down Girl’s terrified face as she watches him go.

The puppy is howling. Girl picks it up and sits at the piano. She begins to play the opening chords to “Falling Slowly” as she tries to hush the animal. It’s no use.

Girl collapses on top of the keys, sobbing.

HUSBAND (in Czech):  My shin… My f**king shin.

THE END

WORDS: Keith Jordan

Graham

Graham

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