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Best Movie Never – DeValera Rising

Best Movie Never – DeValera Rising

Our Classic Scene this week comes from the blockbuster Éamon de Valera biopic ‘DE VALERA RISING’.

Written and directed by Michael Bay, the film portrays Éamon de Valera (Nicholas Cage) as a maverick live-wire with a loose tongue and an itchy trigger finger charting his increasingly spectacular attempts to overthrow the occupying English while struggling to come to terms with his dark past and crippling opium addiction.

After bucking authority one time too many, De Valera finds himself partnered with no-nonsense, by the book veteran, Michael Collins (Javier Bardem). Now the two mismatched rebels must learn to set aside their personal differences and work together in order to settle the score with the megalomaniacal King of England (Hugh Grant) and his cybernetic super soldiers, the Black and Tan-otrons.

It should be noted that although based on historical events, the filmmakers made some slight alterations and fictionalizations in order to make the movie appeal to a larger audience.

Setting the Scene:
The final moments of the Easter Rising. Against all odds De Valera and Collins have managed to destroy the power cube and deactivate the Black and Tan-atrons. Unfortunately Collins has taken a bullet to the leg in the process, and to make matters worse, he’s a diabetic in desperate need of some insulin.


A bloodied De Valera cradles Collins in his arms.

COLLINS: Did we do it? Did we get em?

DE VALERA (fighting back tears) You got em, old buddy… You got em.

Collins begins to shake uncontrollably, knows he’s done for.

COLLINS: Only two days left til retirement.

DE VALERA: Hush now, you save your breath.

COLLINS: I’m cold….

DE VALERA: You just need your insulin. I’m gonna go find a medic, okay? Don’t you die on me, Mikey. (breaking down) Don’t you die on me…

KING OF ENGLAND (OS): How very touching.

DE VALERA looks up to see the smug KING OF ENGLAND stomping towards him in his MECHANIZED POWERSUIT.  Light gleams off the vial of insulin he holds in his robotic fingers.

KING OF ENGLAND: Looking for this?

DE VALERA: The insulin! Give it here!

KING OF ENGLAND: Oh, I’ll give it to you, old chap. Not a problem…. All you have to do is kneel.



COLLINS: Don’t do it, Eamon. I’d rather die than give the bastard the satisfaction.

DE VALERA: Damn it, man! Just give it up! Look around you, its over!

KING OF ENGLAND: I’ll be the judge of that.

The King of England tucks the insulin into his utility belt and adopts a Kung Fu fighting stance.

KING OF ENGLAND: If you want it come and claim it.

DE VALERA: (rolls eyes): Unbe-freakin-leivable.

COLLINS: Smoke him, Eamon. Smoke him for me.

DE VALERA (sighs): Son of a….

De Valera rises to his feet and pulls a dagger from his belt.

DE VALERA: I’m gonna gut you like a fish.

KING OF ENGLAND: I’m going to crush you like a crumpet.

De Valera lets out a primal scream and charges.

What follows is one of the more astounding man-versus-Hugh Grant-in-a-mechanised-power-suit set pieces in the history of cinema. Lasting a solid five minutes and forty eight seconds, the battle culminates with a badly wounded De Valera disabling the power suits control system and angrily bitch slapping THE KING OF ENGLAND half to death. He grabs the insulin and rushes to Collins side.

Collins is unconscious. De Valera checks for a pulse, can’t find one, he quickly injects the insulin into his leg.

DE VALERA: Don’t go into the light, Mikey! Don’t you leave me here alone like this!

Collins doesn’t move. It appears as though all hope is lost. De Valera kisses his fallen comrade on the forehead, and then starts to walk away, weeping like a wounded animal.

Smack! The King Of England rushes him from nowhere and blindsides him with a bagful of bees. De Valera drops to his knees and thrashes about in agony as the bees swarm him.

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DE VELERA: Ah the bees! No not the bees! The bees are in my eyes!

THE KING OF ENGLAND: I told you you’d kneel.

We hear the hammer of a gun cock from off screen. The King of England turns to see Collins, back from the brink of death and mad as hell, taking a bead on him with a six shooter.

KING OF ENGLAND: And what do you plan on doing with that?

COLLINS: (spits) I plan on blowing your god damn head off.

The King of England holds up his ID and gloats:

KING OF ENGLAND: Diplomatic immunity!

BANG! Collins puts a bullet right between his eyes.

COLLINS: It’s just been revoked.

The King of England falls to the ground, dead. For reasons that are never fully explained, his body begins to melt into a steaming puddle of green goo.
Collins rushes to De Valera’s aid and shoos the bees away (with surprising ease).

DE VALERA: Ah, the bees….the bees….

COLLINS: Its okay, they’re gone.

DE VALERA: Wha…? Did you do it? Is he…?

COLLINS: We did it, amigo. (takes his hand) We did it.

Tears of joy stream down De Valera’s severely swollen bee ravaged face.

DE VALERA: I love you, Mikey.

COLLINS (fighting back tears): I know…

Words: Keith Jordan

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