10 Ways You Know You’ve Been An Absolute Mess All Weekend!

1. THE FEAR

I remember those heady days when hangovers were just about sore heads, stomachs and poor sexual choices. Not any more. Now because your body hates you you have to suffer through palpitations, shortened breath and a panic attack inducing sense of absolute dread. Like Tony Soprano minus the gabagool.

2. THE WEEPS

Have the misfortune of seeing a vaguely upsetting advert on the TV? Usually filled with ethnic populations in varying degrees of distress overlayed with the heart-rending sounds of tantric-sexpert Sting warbling about a gold field. Now that you’re an emotional hair-trigger you weep softly feeling as if you personally slapped the Trocaire box from their hands and pissed in their drinking water.

3. THE FILTH

You can’t go out without arriving home days later wearing evidence of the weekend’s substance abuse on your person. Who drew that cock on me? What gets glitter out?

4. THE KIDNEY FAIL

Your piss is composed of 90% alcohol, 5% blood, 5% semen with the colour and strange luminosity of radio-active material. You’re always surprised when the burning yellow-brown jet doesn’t corrode the toilet bowl….or penis tip.

5. THE SOCIAL STUTTER

Don’t look at me! Good luck trying to hold the most mundane of conversations. Human interaction now has all the weird awkwardness of maintaining unbroken eye-contact with your Dad whilst eating a banana.

6. THE TEARJERK

Aggressively fumbling with your musty half-cock whilst emitting a gentle tearful whine – the crywank. Even if you come, life doesn’t improve. It certainly doesn’t scream out “sexually adventurous Nordic Adonis” and yet the liberal and progressive Swedes even have a name for it. They call it Gråtrunka where one imagines it’s commonly carried out in saunas. Which seems like the perfect place to hide your shame in a mix of sweat, steam, semen and tears.

7. THE DT’S

Delirium Tremens….despite sounding like an 80s French synth-pop band the DT’s are anything but quirky and colourful. Unless you think terrifying brain tremors that shoot through your mind are fun.

8. THE CRAMPs

Vague and unexplainable pain. It’s in the joints, it’s behind the eyes, it’s in the torso – which with your rudimentary knowledge of anatomy could be anything. Combine the hurt with a brain convinced of it’s own imminent demise and you’re set for a fun day of researching symptoms to find out which debilitating disease you’re definitely, definitely, definitely, dying of.

9. THE PARANOIA

Your potentially embarrassing japes from the previous night can only be confirmed by analysing your calls and texts. To combat the overwhelming feeling that everyone is laughing at the “holy show” you made of yourself, you’re forced to make a series of annoying calls seeking reassurance that your behaviour “was grand” and “that ah sure everyone was fucked so don’t think anyone noticed”.

10. THE LAZE

Not having the mental capacity to finish the slightest task you spend the morning in work researching which diseases you may have contracted (see no: 8 above) and the afternoon trying to stay awake whilst doing the minimum of work. Such as compiling an arbitrary list of things of a thing.