There is currently an under appreciation of Calvin Harris taking hold around the world leading to the Scottish button pusher having to go without having his ego stroked, sometimes for minutes at a time – according to Calvin Harris.
“DJs like myself are having to go through life being consistently under appreciated and it’s disgusting. Monetary recompense is only part of what a healthy and happy DJ needs,” claimed Calvin Harris, who has received numerous awards from music’s most respected authority on taste – reality TV channel MTV. “We also need to have our egos massaged using sycophantic fawning, dick sucking or elaborate compliments for our supposed talent of playing songs in a sequence so that people to have a place to go between the hours of 11pm and 6am.”
Quoting arbitrary research Calvin insisted that “sometimes I’ll have to go ten, maybe fifteen minutes without getting my ego stroked” and that often at gigs he’ll only have his hand vigorously shook by subservient promoter morons fifteen times a night, “it should be twenty at the very least and they should brighten up visibly whenever I talk to them to show their appreciation of having the opportunity to pay me money for doing my job”.
“I was on stage the other night and some members of the audience had the cheek to not even face me for the set, it’s totally unacceptable,” moaned Calvin, who recently paid Will Smith to appear on stage with him to assert his street cred in 1992. “They were hanging around the bar, talking and laughing with friends. I’m busy busting my gut, pressing buttons to play someone else’s music and they’re not even looking at me adoringly for the privilege.”
“They’re lucky I didn’t stop the music and call them out for not paying attention, I’ve done that before when someone at one of my gigs didn’t applaud rapturously when I brought the levels down and then back up again for the drop,” he warned.
“I need my ego stroked constantly and if I don’t get unnecessary praise constantly then I’ll have no choice but to act like an entitled prick until I get my way,” added Calvin who warned that the DJ Alliance of Allied DJs, of which is he is the leader, may consider a general strike if people don’t cater to his every whim.
Offering advice on some of the ways you can stroke his ego Calvin claimed that simple and easy things like dancing to his music, offering him sex, retweeting his bitchy comments and spending every waking moment when you’re with him making sure he knows that, not only is he better than you but he’s better than most people – can really help to boost his flagging ego.
“All I want is constant reassurance of my godlike abilities of playing some music to drunk people for crazy amounts of money, I’ll also accept blow jobs or free drugs,” he concluded. “Is that too much to petulantly demand?”
