The international alliance of hipsters have today decreed that, despite really wanting to get caught up in the excitement of the World Cup, they will do their utmost to pretend not to be interested citing the fact that “everybody will be watching it” and it’s “so commercial now”.
“It’s going to be well lame,” confirmed London based hipster leader Nathan Blake (pictured casually smirking at something his cat did), “even my parents are going to be watching it, as well as every sporty meathead who used to bully me in school, something I’ve never gotten over and has left me with a weary disdain for organised anything.”
Some of the expressions that they will employ to convince people of their hate for football are thought to include “football’s shit”, “what’s people’s fascination with a bunch of millionaires kicking a lump of leather”, “when do we get normal telly back” and “eeuurrgh, not even more football”.
It is thought however that this outward expression of disgust is just a hipster facade and most of them will in fact be gripped as much as everyone else by the undeniable drama of seeing Argentina underperform, France fight each other and the British press, unusually, under-hyping England’s chances.
“If a match finished 3-3 and went to penos and then sudden death I’d probably just scoff and pretend I didn’t know the rules if anyone noticed me excitedly sweating,” explained Nathan who says he constantly throws people off his interest in football by asking to have the offside rule explained. “Suppressing roars after goals shouldn’t be a problem as I’ll just turn it around at the last moment and pretend I only stood up to yawn sarcastically.”
“If anyone asks me have I been watching the games I’ll probably say that I prefer to spend the time watching something fresh and interesting, maybe hurling on Sky Sports, that seems to be the thing of the moment,” continued Nathan who says that he likes pre-Premiership football before it got too big. “If I absolutely have to talk about football then I’ll confirm my retro hipster credentials and effuse about the great World Cups of the past and say that I’m not into football now because it’s gotten too moneyed and commercial.”
It is thought that the hipsters have been briefed to cite the loss of life among workers building the stadiums and horrible inequality in Brazil as the reason for their disinterest.
“There was an Upworthy video about it entitled ‘Brazil got picked to host the World Cup and you won’t believe what happened to some worker dudes'”, explained Nathan. “I think it’s like, corrupt or something. So yeah that’s why we’re not watching it.”
“If I hadn’t got a very definite anti-establishment streak in my contrived sense of self then I’d just watch the World Cup,” concluded Nathan who lists Baddiel & Skinner’s Three Lions as both the most annoying but best World Cup song, “but unfortunately I don’t have the strength of character to publicly go against what my friends are doing so I’ll be pretending I don’t care who wins and just secretly watch most of the games on my phone while in the toilet.”
