Scientists have today announced a radical new discovery which they claim uncovers one of mankind’s greatest mysterious – why do we get hangovers.
The announcement suggests that hangovers, rather than being a naturally occurring affliction which predominantly is most felt on weekends or Monday mornings, is actually caused by a hitherto undetected substance called alcohol – which they claim is present in a large number of drinks.
The hangover, a debilitating condition characterised by tiredness, dread and palliative wanking, has afflicted mankind – of whom the Irish, Scottish and anyone who’s been to Magaluf are most predisposed – for countless generations.
“Until now it was just one of those unsolved mysteries that we thought we’d never be able to explain,” declared scientist who made the discovery Dr. Brian Brown, “like how do planes fly, what does the popular slang term vibes actually mean and how does day time TV personality Dale Winton enjoy sex symbol status among married middle aged women when he’s plainly a gay man.”
“Through painstaking observation of human behaviour patterns we’ve thankfully been able to answer at least one of those questions,” continued Dr. Brown. “Taking the principle of cause and effect we’ve observed that hangovers seem to only occur in people who have consumed particular drinks.”
“Beer, vodka, cider, even wine,” listed Dr. Brown using his fingers and plainly annoyed that these formerly harmless drinks are now tainted,” all of these drinks contain varying amounts of this strange alcohol substance.”
The substance seems to affect the body in a number of ways – such as causing dehydration and electrolyte imbalances – that lead to the classic symptoms of hangovers.
It appears that the discovery may lead to a radical new hangover cure involving a treatment plan called abstinence.
“Some cures that have proven ineffective include drinking tea copiously, moaning, intermittent sighing, holding your bleary eyed head in your hands in a dark room and sitting quietly,” claimed Dr. Brown. “All of these things serve to only draw attention to the hangover and usually will incur the wrath, rather than pity, of your friends and colleagues.”
“Just straight up not drinking these alcoholic drinks will completely prevent hangovers, curing them before they even appear,” he added.
With the announcement of the unveiling of the inner workings of the hangover there was widespread acclaim for the work of the scientists involved in cracking one of mankind’s long standing mysteries.
“For years I’ve struggled with hangovers,” croaked a shaky-handed, vaguely yellow skinned office worker in a crumpled suit clutching a cup of strong coffee. “Every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday after a bank holiday and most of every holiday I’ve ever been on I’ve suffered from a hangover.”
“It would just come on unannounced like magic or a Jehovah’s Witness but I never knew what was causing it,” continued office worker Alex after returning from a toilet break he required after a bout of nausea. “Now finally the pain is over and I know why I’ve been afflicted with this horrible disease. The 26 Bacardi Breezers and Jaegar shots, rather than being a harmless way to let my prematurely thinning hair down, were actually causing my hangovers.”
“I probably won’t stop drinking,” he concluded,” but at least now I won’t have to struggle with the indignity of not knowing why I sometimes wake up on strange kitchen floors, covered in my own cold yellow piss and nursing a headache which seemed to be stabbing through my eyes straight at the memories of what I’d done the night before.”
“At least now I know what’s causing it, and that’s cure enough for me,” he added before furtively sipping from a hip flask he had secreted in his inside pocket.
