Intergalactic drug kingpin and leader of a galaxy wide smuggling operation, Jabba the Hutt, has been murdered in what police have described as the “gangland like slaying of a giant talking space slug” near the Mexico-US border.
Hutt, who was wanted by both Imperial authorities and rebel forces for repeated instances of smuggling, the attempted freezing of Captain Solo, inter-species sex slavery and tax evasion, was found near the Great Pit of Carkoon near the US border.
“We tried to question the sarlacc in the pit but unfortunately, with it being a fictional, multi-tentacled arthropod that’s entire existence is eating whatever drops into its mouth, he doesn’t speak English or Mexican,” confirmed a Policia spokesperson. “Evidence from the scene suggests there may have been some kind of skirmish between forces belonging to Jabba against either a Mexican drug cartel or a Jedi knight, we’re not sure which.”
“Preliminary reports indicate that he may have been strangled, most likely by a scantily clad slave girl,” continued the spokesperson who says that a reward of 50 thousand Galactic Credits is being offered to anyone with information into the slaying. “Members of the public are warned to be on the lookout for a woman in a gold bikini who may or may not have silly bun-like clumps of hair on the side of her head as we believe she may be responsible for the killing of Mr. Hutt as well as engaging in a torrid, almost-affair with her own brother.”
Members of Hutt’s criminal organisation have today interred his body into carbon freeze where it will remain until, they say, a cure for strangulation is discovered or they find a Sith who’ll bring him back to life.
“When I heard the news I was completely devastated,” sobbed bounty hunter and one time Hutt subordinate Boba Fett who authorities managed to rescue from the mouth of the sarlacc. “I just went to pieces, in much the same way that a Lego Millennium Falcon would go to pieces when dropped from the hand of a clumsy, fat child.”
Mr. Fett ended the interview there because he pointed out that to be seen crying would be damaging to his reputation as a galactically feared bounty hunter. Wunderground pointed out that his helmet blocked us from seeing the tears, but he just let out a soul crumbling yelp and shot his wrist mounted grappling hook at a passing helicopter and glided off into a night that echoed with the sound of one bounty hunter’s broken heart, and a helicopter.
