The drug ecstasy has today appeared in Crown Court in relation to the unprovoked and vicious genocide of the grey matter braincells of a young London teenager and is suspected to be the same ecstasy responsible for countless brain cell massacres dating back to 1984.
The tablets, widely suspected of being responsible for the rise of dance music, the 1989 Summer of Love and the classic video game Wipeout, appeared in court dressed in a white suit with a large Mitsubishi sign emblazoned on its front.
The prosecution have slammed ecstasy, real name MDMA, as “being responsible for more dead braincells than Hitler and Stalin are for dead people, combined” and that “while it made a generation of people more open minded and loving it also left them crap at maths and with terrible short term memories”.
“It’s an animal and I hope it rots, or at least loses its chemical efficacy,” bemoaned one former ecstasy user who says that because of ecstasy he left a lucrative job answering phones to become a DJ. “I’d still be earning regular wages doing something I hate rather than living the life of a poor artist if it wasn’t for ecstasy.”
Witnesses have claimed that ecstasy has been hell bent on a 30 year vendetta against the braincells of teenagers – a feat which hasn’t been seen since the popularization of television or Happy Birds.
“Over that period of time it has very cleverly changed identities in a bid not to be captured,” claimed the prosecution barrister. “It’s changed from Doves to Mitsubishis and now to bags of Mandy but we’re confident that the same chemical is responsible for the millions of brain cells deaths.”
Some of the people affected by ecstasy’s crimes include people who like bass music, experimenting teens and anyone born after 1970 – all of whom have had their brain chemistry irrevocably changed due to ecstasy.
“Most of them don’t even know they’ve been affected,” continued the prosecutor, “they think they just woke up one morning and had spent the last decade raving every weekend because that was normal. Well it’s not, it’s evil.”
“We’re just glad this reign of terror can end,” concluded the prosecution who says that much like the Sun newspaper ecstasy now has to face the crime of manipulating the minds of the young. “All stocks of the evil drug will be shipped to Guatanamo Bay where it will only be used for medical testing and won’t surge through the elated body of a young techno fan again.”
