It was the punch heard around the world. Newspapers everywhere, who are normally renowned for their reserved use of hyperbole, have described it as “shocking”, “a shocker” and “a shock”.
Orlando Bloom, the actor famous for his incredible ability to somehow portray less than one emotion, has received worldwide commendations for his now infamous punch-up with Justin Bieber in Ibiza this week. Preliminary reports had indicated that the scuffle kerfuffle had taken place due to comments made about Bloom’s past relationship with Miranda Kerr – a woman less pretty than either Bloom or Bieber.
However, a statement made today by Bloom’s acting coach, Mr. E Mosher, has clarified that the event occurred as a protest against Bieber’s forthcoming EDM album. Mr. Mosher has stated that his client is a fan of EDM, and was fighting to keep it pure and untainted for as long as was possible.
Claims that Bloom was Legolas drunk at the time have been discounted as childish wordplay.
Bieber’s assault on good taste and good music is set to continue unabated with the release of this album which is set to pick the bones of EDM clean like an anaemic vulture. Claims of an organic growth of Bieber’s love for EDM due to increased drug use have been supported by certain areas of the press, citing his increasingly erratic behaviour as proof.
However, certain journalists have claimed his behaviour has always been erratic, citing both his posting of videos of himself from a young age on YouTube and his incessant repetition of the word “baby” as proof.
The bro-down between the wooden actor and the world famous petulant man-child has caused a stir in the media, particularly those areas which are carefully avoiding reporting real news in favour of commenting upon how famous women should dress and how tactics could have differed in Sunday’s game.
Lawyers for both parties have indicated that the squabble will now continue in court or in a boxing ring in Vegas, depending on how preliminary hearings go this week.
We can only hope it’s the latter, as a pummelling might loosen Bloom’s face enough to be able to portray even one emotion, and a good spanking might make Bieber think twice about continuing his unabated destruction of music.
