A sleep deprived office worker has jeopardized his job by failing to show up for the second Monday in the last three weeks.
Alan Crawford came to the conclusion that “Monday can go and fuck itself” after his alarm clock woke him for work a measly two hours after he had fallen asleep, having spent the previous nine hours in a state of “crazed semi-conscious wank endued nervous breakdown”.
“I knew something was wrong when I was looking at my clock and thinking to myself ‘it’s OK, if I go to sleep now I’ll still have six hours before I have to wake up’,” explained Mr. Crawford to Wunderground shortly after noon.
“Once you start counting down the hours you may as well just face the fact that you’re not getting up in the morning and watch something funny or hardcore porn or funny porn, like a midget fucking a tranny, that’s classic Monday morning viewing,” claimed Mr. Crawford, “but needless to say I decided to fool myself into thinking I’d fall asleep and ended counting the minutes for the next four hours.”
“I nearly fell asleep at one point about four o’clock,” recounted Mr. Crawford. “I was just drifting off when a got a massive shock to my nervous system, like a lightening bolt hit my brain and traveled the whole way down my spine and out through my feet,” he continued, “either that or a ghost touched my head. A blue ghost,” he suggested.
Mr. Crawford has so far shown no signs of remorse over his early morning decision to abscond from work, claiming that he was “better off not going in” because if he had his boss would know for certain that he is a “sniveling session victim” rather than “just suspecting” that he is.
“It’s a shit job anyway, I’m totally over qualified,” continued Crawford in a desperate attempt to justify his actions to himself.
“I’ll probably end up getting drunk this afternoon and not going in again tomorrow. It’ll seem more realistic that way, like I was really sick,” he said with a false sense of certainty that was fooling nobody, “and to be honest I imagine I’d probably simultaneously burst into tears and shit and piss myself if I was to have any sort of face to face confrontation with my boss before Wednesday.”
