A recent study has shown that complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol could potentially add years of dull weekends to your life.
The study claims that most people who aren’t regular drug or alcohol users live on average 10 years longer – during which time they spend their weekends pottering aimlessly around the house, watching TV or rearranging the garage.
“We were keen to develop a lifestyle system which would allow us to simply and effectively expand the lifespan of the average human,” explained Dr. Chris Duffy who himself has never taken drugs or alcohol and enjoys long weekends of crushing normality by walking his dogs, eating toast in bed and reading the Sunday papers. “The only downside, for some people, is that they have to suffer through weekends that offer no drug or alcohol fuelled release from the bleak arbitrariness of existence.”
“The only drawback to the study was that a large percentage of participants who were used to having ‘normal’ sociable weekends of banging nightclubs and chalky CD cases found the weekends of abstinence too difficult to handle and subsequently ended their lives,” he added morosely indicating that even though he’s a dryshite who doesn’t even drink – he has feelings.
“But if people fully accept the teetotal lifestyle then they can enjoy years of crushing dullness over every weekend that they spend shopping in Ikea, trimming the hedge and sitting quietly in a room waiting to die somewhat later than they would have had if they’d lived a life of reckless Bacchanalian excess,” he added cheerfully.
“I’ve been trying out this new fangled no drinking lifestyle for three weeks now,” claimed one participant who says that being home all weekend is really testing his ability to neglect his wife. “It’s harder when she’s right there so I’m forced to actually spend time with her, it’s horrible.”
Another participant has claimed that he now has the weekends of an 80 year old WW2 veteran who finds solace sitting on a park bench feeding ducks while staring into the middle distance as if waiting for the cold spectre of death.
