Men and women who coloured the dance floors of the 90s and early noughties with homemade banners and placards bearing the word “tune” on it are today considered so rare that they have been declared on endangered species by the World Health Organisation.
“It’s a sad state of affairs when something which has been a staple of dance floors for years is in such a state of disrepair,” claimed WHO’s dance music liaison Dave Conners who says that he recently tried to perform ‘The Prodigy Dance’ at a deep house gig and was forcibly removed by a combination of bouncers and dudes wearing pink wife beaters and shutter shades for ‘ruining the vibe bro’.
“Why can’t other, more regrettable dance floor staples like vomit, people filming DJs and posers die a death?” he asked before suggesting that, in much the same way that Diplo banned kandi from a recent show, people who film DJs, shout ‘the roof is on fire’ and take the DJ Mag Top 100 as an actual measure of the dance music scene be banned from all future events.
The WHO is also listing people wearing white gloves in full overalls bearing Mistubishi signs and breathing through gas masks as being in serious decline except for at hard house events where that kind of hazardous material costume is entirely necessary.
“I think guys now, rather than being into the tunes to an extent that they’ll dress up or hold up a sign saying tune, are more interested in taking selfies that leave just enough arm in shot to show of their ceps or standing around watching the DJs every movement,” added Dave.
“These days you’re more likely to see people making heart hands or hold up a phone so they can take a shaky handed video of some blurry lights that they’ll never watch again,” claimed another spokesperson while ‘out of it’ on traditional dance music drug ecstasy and performing a variety of classic rushes like The Backbreaker and that one where you stretch out on your belly while someone moves your hands and it makes you feel like you’re falling through the floor.
“You can’t even do a rush or have a shaky jaw now without someone videoing you and putting it online, vicariously wishing they were having half as a good a time as you are.”
It is believed that the only location where people holding up signs while going hell for leather is hard dance extravaganza and mentalist rave on Earth(™), Bangface – with a reported everybody in attendance at one point happily holding up a sign saying ‘tune’, ‘ave it’ and various puns on the word ‘rave’.
“People are saying that it’s because technology has moved on,” concluded Dave, “but what’s probably more accurate is that the tunes aren’t that much tunes anymore. I mean, if you happen to be at a Guetta gig and he plays ‘Sexy Bitch‘ you’re not going to be very likely to hold up a sign saying ‘tune’. What’s more accurate is that you’d take a moment to stop booing and, in your own shit, hold up a placard that says ‘this excuse for music is poison to the ears of an entire generation who could have gotten into real dance music and had a genuine experience rather than brushing their teeth with molly and head banging to this drivel’. Something catchy like that.”
