Dairy farmers up and down the country are bracing themselves for a hedonistic weekend of non stop partying at this year’s Creamfields festival.
The festival, which is held annually over the August bank holiday weekend on Daresbury Estate, Cheshire, has become a mecca for Dairy farmers, who see the open aired event as the ideal way to unwind after a hard summer’s dairy farming, or cow-tit pulling as it’s known colloquially.
Peter Charleston, a sixty two year old dairy farmer from Devon, plans on getting “off [his] fucking head” at this year’s festival and predicts an excellent weekend despite being unfamiliar with any of the acts due to play.
“I can’t wait to get myself down to Creamfields and get off my fucking chops,” explained Mr. Charleston in a thick West Country accent. “I spend fifty one weekends a year pulling out of a cow’s tits and this is the one chance I get to let my hair down, only I don’t got any hair, I’ve been bald as a porn star’s fanny since 1983,” he added.
“I’m not normally into all of this ‘bang bang’ music the disc jockeys play nowadays but I’ve heard lots of them are driving Traktors so it should be interesting,” admitted Mr. Charleston. “I definitely won’t be going to watch the likes of that French twat David Guetta though, I see enough cheese around this bloody farm without having to put up with the likes of that horrible cunt. I’m more into good old fashioned music like Cliff Richard or Gary Glitter. Those lads really separated the men from the boys.”
“I’ll just have to make sure I take plenty of drugs so I wont even notice what’s being played,” he continued with a grin. “I’ve got a big bag of cow ketamine, it’s not quite as strong as horse ketamine but that’s not too bad because you can still moooo-ve after you take it,” he joked. “I’ve also got a massive bag of MDMA that I got off my mate Michael Eavis so I should be ok, I’ll probably spend most of my time rolling around the ground in the campsite anyway.”
Local co-ops are advising all customers to stock up on dairy products before the weekend as stocks of milk, cream, cheese and butter are set to be depleted until “Tuesday at least but most likely Wednesday or Thursday” as the nation’s dairy farmers recover from the festival.
