A survey of the summer festival season concluded this week that the boutique camping packages offered by festivals are populated exclusively by people who “can’t hack the sesh”.
The results show that people who have been variously described as “pansies”, “lightweights” and “faders” tend towards bottling the authentic camping experience for the vaguely pampered boutique option, which can see them avail of palliatives to cure their inability to party properly such as phone charging points, working showers and a misplaced idea that because of their mild level of relative comfort they are better than everyone else.
“Analysing the demographic of those who bought tickets for expensive camping in pre-pitched tents, yurts or tipis we discovered that a grand total of none were able to hack the mildest elements of a festival session like doing a rollover, getting a bit mucky outside a randomers tent for ten hours or pissing against the fence,” claimed an analyst from Festival International. “The vast majority of those in boutique camping were suffering from Danny Glover syndrome, i.e. they were ‘too old for this shit’ despite whatever age they actually might be.”
“Although most are over 30 and trying to pretend they’re not going soft,” he added.
This result, according to the research, means that those people staying in boutique camping at festivals like Glastonbury, Electric Picnic or Bestival, are “100% less craic” and ten times more likely to “moan about the rain, talk about how nice it’s going to feel crawling into bed on Monday, do their pills in halves and only do bumps after 6pm”.
“All of these symptoms translate to being minus craic and not being able to hack the easiest of seshs,” continued the report. “Which means that inevitably those people will buy boutique camping for some vestige of comfort where they can go for a quick twenty minute snooze before they get changed and definitely meet you at the main stage because they’re totally not wimping out and going to sleep.”
The report claims that people who can’t hack the sesh are easy to spot as they’ll be showing off their boutique camping wristbands to whoever will listen and are fond of the phrase “I like my home comforts and I’m willing to pay extra for them,” – which is typically offered by the “boutique brigade”, or whatever lame name they give their group of fellow bottlers, when they slip back to their tipis to hug their pillows, drink boxed wine and complain.
