The governments of the world have decided to unite all colloquial drug slang into one unified global system in order to help their officers win the “war on drugs”.
The authorities claim that after watching all five seasons of The Wire they believe they will find it easier to keep tabs on the general public if they understand what the kids are calling the illegal substances that are being traded “down back lanes, in bedsits and at burlesque clubs, which we think are the main depots for this type of activity”.
The language itself will be called Monglish and will be modelled after the first failed attempt a global language, Spanglish, however will contain many elements of English and an ancient form of Chinese from the Mong Dynasty.
Spokesface and Chief Buzzkill for the Global Drug-War Office, Mr. Essen D. Wurst, has indicated that the implementation of the language will be immediate. In order to assist with this, there will be brochures and a copy of the newly printed Oxford Monglish Drugtionary sent to every home and education officers will invade schools to implement their “Dogmatic Indoctrination Guides” or “DIG’s”. “The youth will DIG it,” he said with a self satisfied laugh, while this reporter looked away so as to avoid showing his vicarious shame.
A brief synopsis of the language has already been published, so here is a rough guide for Wunderground readers –
Marijuana – Weed, Herb, Shrub, Puff, Snarf, Ol’ Red Eye, The Chronic Fatigue
Ketamine – Special K, My Little Pony, Mr. Ed, The No-Horn Unicorn, Wobble Dust
Heroin – Smack, Kibble Giblets, Nigel Mansel’s Moustache, Back Lane Gold
Cocaine – Charlie Chalk, Barry White, Snort, Fuck Powder, Numbface
Mescaline – Cactus Jackson, Shaman Holmes
The unification of drug slang is to be popularised via various programs already on television, with the most popular shows being the first to be targeted. According to the report, Big Brother will now have weekly challenges where the contestants get “hepped up” on various substances, Eastenders will see Dot Cotton’s ghost return to haunt Danny Dyer with anti-drugs messages and Sex and the City will return with a special one-off episode which will explain that the four skanky hags are all so horrendously thin due to a chronic heroin habit.
