A man who went out after work last Friday and didn’t get home until Monday lunchtime has made the decision to ring in sick to work for the second consecutive day in the hope that his “illness” will seem more realistic.
Peter Smith, a twenty six year old warehouse assistant from Luton, Bedfordshire, made the decision based on the fact that most sicknesses last for more than one day, with some lasting up to three, four and even five days, leaving the option to further extend his unofficial break into the second half of the week open.
“I was planning on going in today but I intentionally forgot to set my alarm clock last night and by the time I woke up this morning it was already too late for me to make it in on time,” claimed Mr. Smith during an early morning interview with Wunderground. “Ringing in sick again was my only option but at least I actually rang in today and didn’t just text again like I did yesterday. That’s good isn’t it?” he asked desperately seeking reassurance that his actions were acceptable.
“It’s probably better off for the company that I’m not in there today anyway,” claimed Mr. Smith, who this time yesterday was snorting a cocktail of mystery white powders he found in a friend’s kitchen. “I know I’m not fully up to scratch this morning so I wouldn’t have been able to do my job properly anyway, at least this way I can rest up and go in fresh tomorrow and really give my work one hundred and ten percent,” he said unconvincingly.
“I’m just going to concentrate on getting back in tomorrow and then I’m turning over a new leaf, I’m getting far too old to be carrying on like this,” admitted the self confessed drug fiend. “Most of the other twenty six year olds I know are doing things with their lives. They’re having kids, getting mortgages, making themselves miserable and becoming fat. Whereas I’m just dossing about and having a good time. Something needs to change,” he honestly continued.
“I’m just going to go back to bed for an hour or two and then I’m going to get up and get some stuff done,” he claimed at nine o’clock this morning with a distinct lack of conviction. “I don’t want to waste another day sitting around this house watching mindless crap on the television, eating rubbish and feeling sorry for myself.”
At the time of going to press Mr. Smith was yet to emerge from his bedroom, where he has spent the last four hours smoking hash, watching Adventure Time, eating Monster Munch and wanking.
