Compu-super-corp Apple’s latest technological trinket, the iPhone 6, is so feature laden that company C.E.O Tim Cook has today claimed that the phone has the capability of dramatically increasing users’ sense of self importance.
The phone, which features applications vital for human happiness like Facebook, WhatsApp and Twitter, is reported to achieve the effect of wildly inflating people’s sense of self importance by reducing their levels of humility and proportion.
This unalterable change in people’s sense of their own self worth has been witnessed in those people who Apple provided with pre-release versions of the new phone – with 100% of them feeling they were “better than everyone else” and “almost God-like” after having used the phone.
“Before I received the iPhone 6 I was just a common slob,” gushed one user, “but now that I’m an iPhone owner, which as we all know makes you able to check your emails on an intuitive operating system and be a better class of person, – I feel like this lightweight yet durable piece of useless equipment somehow exalts me above other men.”
As part of the pre-release of the iPhone 6 some of the people who were provided with the phone were required to return the phone after a testing period which resulted in several assaults on Apple staff members tasked with retrieving the phones including a pregnant woman, a man with glasses and Tim Cook himself.
“The iPhone just does something to me, being a white man I’m already at the top of the privilege pyramid but it’s like owning the iPhone makes me extra white, and more man,” continued the recipient. “Naturally I want to keep that feeling and, like all people in positions of arbitrary power, I’m not above punching a small child to do it.”
“If there was an app that allowed my penis to charge the iPhone 6 – I’d use it,” he added.
Some of the symptoms caused by the iPhone’s reduction in humility include – holding the phone aloft while non-iPhone owners bow down before you, constantly referring back to the fact that you own an iPhone 6 during any conversation and comparing it favorably against everything from other phones, sex and existence itself.
“It’s literally the best thing ever made,” claimed one user excitedly. “I love how its shiny, expensive looking polymer surface makes me better than other phone owners.”
“If only my partner’s sexual performance was as intuitive and engrossing as the iPhone 6 experience,” exclaimed one user before remarking, “I wouldn’t say I’m no longer in love with my partner, I’m just more in love with my iPhone’s unflinching commitment to the user experience.”
The iPhone 6 is released to the public on September 19th at which point it’s expected to cause a raft of excited unboxing videos on Youtube by people who will then go on to spit on homeless people, vote Conservative and have the Apple logo tattooed onto their blue blooded hearts.
