It has emerged today that should Scotland achieve independence in the upcoming referendum the government will abandon the British pound and select popular tonic wine Buckfast as a replacement currency.
The move is sure to appease Scottish and European financial establishments who all see the benefit of basing an international currency on what is colloquially known in Scotland as “Highland juice” and is reputed to be as popular as shortbread, men in dresses and hating the English.
According to Alex Salmond, basing the new currency – rumoured to be called the Scotch Buckie – on the alcoholic drink makes sense as it avoids fluctuations in the market brought about by changes to the price of crude oil and because they “have to base it on something til we can start drilling the North Sea for ourselves”.
The drink, popular in all walks of Scottish life and culture, and drank by 90% of the population as part of their daily intake of alcohol would be welcomed rapturously by the people who reportedly insist it’s as important as Guinness to the Irish and Scotch whiskey to themselves with most of them using Buckfast on their cornflakes, in their tea and for nursing babies.
“Basing our entire currency on an alcoholic drink may seem frivolous to the lickspittles in Westminster,” boomed Salmond at a recent independence rally in Edinburgh while clutching a bottle of the brown liquid aloft. “But Buckfast – along with oil, gold and heroin – is now one of the most traded products on the planet, especially in popular Scottish markets like Ireland, Scotland itself and the north east of England.”
Mr. Salmond claimed that the Scottish Buckie would be the equivalent value of one pint of Buckfast and so “a pint costing about €6 in Ireland and £3 in the U.K., we’ll have the strongest currency of the lot” while also pointing out that “you can’t even gets blitzed off your tits on other currencies the way to can on Scottish Buckies as they’ll be redeemable for Buckfast” in specialised locations called shops.
Some other countries with stereotypical alcohol issues are also rumoured to be impressed by Scotland’s innovative spirit and may attempt to bring in similar measures in a bid to form an alternative to the current monetary system.
It is rumoured that Ireland, moved by Scotland’s bid for independence and adoption of an alcoholic beverage as a national currency, may make the long vaunted move to a liquid economy using the massive Guinness reserves that exist in the country although the government hasn’t committed to this plan claiming “we may also use whiskey”.
