A scientific study published by the prestigious journal Nature this week has concluded that the protective layer of atmospheric ozone is now almost entirely made up of nitrous oxide.
The report claims that, in areas with high nos usage like London, Berlin and your mate Dave’s backgarden, almost 25% of the upper stratosphere now consists of the popular party gas – inhaled by users via balloons to create a fleeting, and rather pointless, high.
“In the last ten years the popularity of nos at festivals, house parties and clubs has skyrocketed among the 18 – 25 year old demographic, or thick layabout drug user demographic, to provide its official name,” revealed the study which contends that if people continue to release massive amounts of nitrous oxide into the atmosphere it could speed up the green house effect.
“Unfortunately when you mention this to the young kids doing it they don’t bat an eyelid except to ask would that make England better for growing weed.”
The report claims that when people inhaled nos some of it escapes into the atmosphere and upsets the gaseous balance of the ozone layer causing holes to appear in much the same way that “CFCs, laser pens and the baddies from Spaceballs” cut holes in the atmosphere.
Scientists expect that if these holes, which are currently biggest over London, are allowed to increase in size then the results will be “people with golden year round tans, skin cancer and men with their tops off wearing sunglasses – sort of like Newcastle in November”.
“We’re advising people everywhere that if they must inhale a gas to get high then please use any of the less detrimental and environmentally friendly solvents like methane, butane, and the farts of Chris Moyles – which are said to be the most potent,” continued the report.
Concerned parents have been warned to keep their children indoors should they spot any of the extremely dangerous but fun nos clouds that may make their way into the midlands by the weekend and can be distinguished from other clouds by the marauding gangs of glassy eyed teenagers following them.
Since the report was released police have spotted and arrested several “cloud catchers” in the fields on the streets of southern England as they have been attempting to “use giant plastic straws to suck the nos back out of the sky and sell it for 50p or at least a smoke”.
The same report also indicated that some other parts of the natural world have been altered irrevocably from drug abuse with evidence suggesting that there’s a floating island of empty coke baggies somewhere off the Ibiza coast and a “syringe mountain” in Northern Scotland said to be “ten men tall”.
