The nationality of Scottish-British tennis star Andy Murray is to be dramatically decided today by an historic referendum for Scottish independence.
Andy’s nationality has been something of a political tennis ball in recent years as he is vicariously claimed by the British whenever he happens to win a sporting event or do something right, and conversely tarred as Scottish in defeat.
“If Scotland wins then he’ll officially be Scottish and any glory he achieves in tennis or with supermodels will be reflected back onto Scotland, allowing us to take credit for it even though it’s just an accident of his birth and not all that important,” claimed Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party.
“For too long the English have been happy to claim Andy as one of theirs just because he’s a bit of a lanky, posh spaz but hopefully after today that debate will be ended.”
The No Campaign are adamant that Andy, in victory, is in fact English and point to the fact that British lottery money helped make Andy the tennis champion he is and that “a provincial back water like Scotland couldn’t have created that kind of athlete alone”.
“We certainly deserve all the credit,” explained a sombre David Cameron. “We invented tennis, and if this vote doesn’t go our way then I’m certainly not above taking our rackets and nets and going home. If we can’t play, no one can.”
Andy himself was unable to comment on the intensifying situation due to him being deep in practice for a tennis tournament and being devoid of a discernable personality but his mother is expected to be in the crowd clenching her fists and gurning.
Experts have warned to be wary of a tie in the voting and claim that if that does happen then Mr. Murray should “go to America, where he’s basically from now anyway” in case the British and Scottish camps fight over him like a favourite rag doll and inadvertently kill him.
“If we can’t have him, no one can,” warned Salmond before being echoed by Cameron who said, “I’d rather he was dead than if England didn’t have some vague claim over his success”.
The vote, which takes place this afternoon, is expected to go in favour of Scotland – a result which is expected to see the English make a concerted effort to claim Irish golfer Rory McIlroy as their own claiming “they loved him all along” and “Go team GB”.
