A young unemployed graduate is set to get out of bed before 9am for the first time this year thanks to it being mushroom season.
From late August through to October there is an annual migratory pattern in the natural world that sees 18 – 30 year old unemployed men descend on the wilderness to pick powerful psychotropic mushrooms.
“Well even though I’m a highly trained graduate of History there’s simply no work for me in the country at the moment and so there’s really no reason whatsoever for me to get up before 9am,” claimed Andrew Martin who has been unemployed since leaving university last year and tends to only get up “around 11 so that I can watch Jeremy Kyle in [his] pyjamas”.
“That’s not to say that I haven’t been awake before 9am this year, I do like to go clubbing and I never sleep at festivals what with being mad out of it on pills and that,” he added.
“Now that it’s mushy season I’m going to be getting up proper early, like dark early, as if I was getting up for a job,” he continued, claiming he’ll probably even bring a packed lunch and thermos flask like a real day’s work. “Not that it’s a job but it’s important to get there early before the dew has gone off the grass or before some other gang of unemployed lads gets the mushrooms first.”
Andrew claimed that mushy picking isn’t “a business strategy” insisting that they don’t sell them instead choosing to take them themselves but they are open to swapping them for a “bit of smoke” or a lend of “the new Grand Theft Auto”.
“This is probably the only days work I or any of my mates will get this year though,” concluded Andrew who says he’ll probably list ‘fungus picking’ on his CV for when he inevitably has to emigrate to Australia to pick fruit for a VISA. “I am an Arts graduate so unless I give up my ambition to do something with writing or watching films and get a job in a call centre then I’m not likely to get any work that isn’t geared towards acquiring powerful psychedelics.”
