A 38 year old man from Birmingham opened up today about how consuming a diet of 15 high grade ecstasy tablets every day for 6 months saved his marriage.
“I noticed things between myself and Jane were becoming strained,” explained former mechanic Kevin. “I’d come home from the pub at 11.30 and find her in bed, tears on the pillow and nothing cooked for dinner.”
“Or there’d be times when I’m telling her about my exciting day out in the world and she’d go really quiet, as if waiting for me to ask about her day at home cleaning the house, how exciting could that be?” he continued. “I knew then that I was losing her and that she’d probably sleep with other men soon if I didn’t do something, fast.”
“Since that day I knew I needed to win her back, I needed to renew the bond we had when we first fell for each other. I decided there and then to do the only thing I could that would guarantee success…I ate a bowl of ecstasy and cornflakes every day for breakfast.”
Romantic Kevin claims that he knew his wife was planning on leaving him and that the only way that he could save their marriage was to have her declared his legal carer – “the only way I could do that was by giving myself brain damage and I didn’t want to clobber myself in the head with a wrench to do it, plus pills are more fun”.
What followed was a 6 month binge of banging tunes, drooling mouths and brain swelling aneurysms that resulted in limiting Kevin’s brain function making him unable to work, feed himself or go to the toilet alone.
“Now that Jane does everything for me we’re so much more intimate then we ever were. Sure we enjoyed a healthy sex life before but it’s not until your partner is helping dress and feed you that you experience true intimacy,” continued Kevin. “She cooks my dinner, washes my clothes – in fact, she’s even typing this interview for me because I’m 70% paralyzed and can’t type by myself.”
“Now that she is legally obligated to take care of my every need, we’ve never been closer,” enthused a smiling, or maybe grimacing Kevin. “Whether it’s wheeling me through the park, watching TV or wiping my shitty arse – our closeness is amazing.”
“Our relationship is now so close that sometimes when she’s giving me a sponge bath or spoon feeding me, I’ll accidentally wet myself and she’ll catch my lazy eyed gaze and it’ll be like we’re falling in love all over again.”
“She’s happy too,” concluded Kevin. “To think that she almost left me before sticking around to take her place as my wife, the love of my life and primary caregiver. It’s like a fairytale.”
Kids, Don’t be that guy…