New research carried out by a concerned mother has linked the constantly dirty bed sheets in her teenage son’s bedroom to wanking.
Anne Bardsley became worried for her nineteen year old son Patrick’s health after regularly discovering a thick crusted material covering his bed sheets.
“I first started to notice the accumulation of filth on Patrick’s sheet around four or five years ago,” explained Anne during an interview with Wunderground. “At fist there was just a little bit every few weeks but gradually as he’s gotten older there’s been more and more crust. Nowadays you can hardly even see any sheet there’s so much muck caked onto them.”
“I was really worried that there might be something seriously wrong with him. I’ve heard of wounds seeping and generally speaking when the human body is leaking fluids it’s a bad thing,” voiced the concerned parent. “I was beginning to think that his entire body was oozing puss but any time I asked him if there was something wrong he’d just cage up and say nothing.”
“I never suspected it was from wanking,” claimed mother of three Anne. “I just didn’t have him down as the wanking type, I always just assumed he was sick, and I don’t mean wanking to pictures of Paris Hilton sick, I mean aids or rabies sick,” she continued. “Either that or there was some sort of supernatural ghost activity going on in his bedroom that regularly left him covered in weird kind of ectoplasm.”
“He wouldn’t tell me anything so I decided to do a bit of research myself,” continued Mrs. Bardsley. “It didn’t take long at all for me to discover it was jizz that’s been costing me a fortune in washing powder. Like any mother the first thing I tried was the taste test. I just licked one of the globs of spunk on the sheets and I knew straight away.”
“Cum has a very unique taste and Patrick’s happens to taste almost exactly like his father’s,” revealed Anne. “It’s a pity he’d not told me years ago and put my mind at rest, there’s nothing to be ashamed of it if’s perfectly normal behaviour. I just hope that he uses a sock or some tissue to clean up his mess in the future.”
Patrick, who has no job and recently dropped out of college, has promised his mother he’ll spend more time looking for work and being productive and less time wanking, although, this arrangement has been postponed to allow the teenager sufficient time to deal with the recently leaked naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence.
