Dutch EDM producer Laidback Luke is in intensive care this morning after a savage late night assault left the DJ fighting for his life.
The Amsterdam based producer was reportedly attacked by up to six men just moments after leaving a limbo dancing class in the city’s Vondelpark.
Class teacher and eyewitness Michael Von Trapp explained the incident, “It’s quite hard to put exactly what happened together in my head, it all happened so quickly and was over in the flash of an eye, just like the career of an average EDM producer.”
“We’d just finished up a highly productive limbo dancing session in the park,” recounted Von Trapp. “Luke’s a natural, as you’d expect from someone with his posture, he’s so laid back he’s virtually vertical, which really makes for good limbo dancing.”
“We were barely out of the park when the mob of angry men attacked him,” continued Von Trapp with the tremble of raw terror in his voice. “They were relentless, they swarmed all over him like ants on a milk dud or Will.i.am on someone else’s music production.”
“They left him a trembling, bloodied mess on the ground, he was more laid out Luke than Laidback Luke when they’d finished with him,” he explained with a quivering lip. “Then, before they ran off, one of them shoved a print out of Beatport’s Top 100 deep house chart into his mouth, shouted ‘don’t fuck with Beatport’ and kicked him so hard in the nuts he’ll be talking like a chipmunk on helium for the rest of his life.”
According to underworld sources the attack was in retaliation to Laidback Luke’s claims that a new genre of electronic music, which he has labeled future house, is on the horizon as the result off a cross over between EDM and deep house.
“Luke’s been around the scene long enough to know that you don’t fuck with Beatport when it comes to creating new genres,” claimed the anonymous source during an interview with Wunderground earlier. “You don’t simply invent a new genre to fit your own needs, unless you’re Beatport, and he should have known better than to be going around shooting his mouth off like that.”
“Nobody deserves what he got for talking shit but seriously, future house, what the fuck is that?” he asked with genuine astonishment. “EDM is shit, get over it. It’s popularity will undoubtedly die out soon enough and not even Beatport, who sell millions of dollars worth of that crap, want to see it lingering like a bad fart in an elevator in the form of another, equally crappy, sub-genre.”
Doctors at Amsterdam’s Free University Medical Center have confirmed that Luke underwent an emergency “bullshit-ectomy” this morning, a procedure which they hope will eliminate all future shit talking on the DJ’s behalf.
Despite a severly bruised ego and major lacerations to his pride, Luke is expected to make a full recovery and return to DJing later this year.
think you meant “horizontal”, not vertical
satire at it’s finest