The Native American community is united in voice today as it denounces a recent move by Glastonbury Music & Arts festival which saw the world’s most famous festival ban the wearing of Native American war bonnets.
“It’s a disgusting and racist move,” claimed Dr. Acaraho Williams who said that Emily Eavis has acted cruelly to deny his community’s right to free expression. “It sends a stark, clear message that Glastonbury is hostile to Native American cultural and traditional values.”
Glastonbury acted to ban the wearing of the war bonnets in response to complaints that people wearing the headgear were appropriating a piece of Native American cultural symbolism, the significance and traditional value of which was lost on the white middle class suburban kids who were only wearing them “cause they look cool” and “you wear wacky stuff at festivals”.
“This move by Glastonbury is plainly racist,” continued Dr. Williams, who maintains he didn’t read the full article explaining why Glastonbury had banned the headdresses, instead chose to blindly slam the festival acting on the little information he was able to derive from the headline. “What’s next? Will they ban the French from wearing berets? Scots from wearing kilts?? The Irish from wearing Guinness-coloured vomit on the front of their Aran jumpers and in their ginger beards?”
Some groups, like the Daily Mail and the Republican Tea Party, have slammed Glastonbury for banning the headdresses and also took time out of their slamming things schedule to simultaneously slam the response of the Native American people – insisting that for years Western colonial powers have had “to put up with the blatantly racist and callous campaign of cultural appropriation that the Native Americans have been engaging in for centuries – by living in America, bowing to our customs and learning our language”.
“Why are they getting mad cause someone is wearing their silly hats?” barked one Youtube user’s comment under an entirely unrelated video. “They’re only wearing the sacred symbol of Native American manhood for a laugh, so what’s the harm? Fuck Indians and Glastonbury.”
“I’ve seen them,” snarled an angry Fox News subscriber, “walking around, wearing Western clothes like jeans and business suits, adopting our core values like private property and money as if it isn’t the most shameless cultural appropriation there is.”
“No one forced them to adhere to a Western cultural norm, so how fucking dare they get on their high horse, which they probably still ride around on, and moan about people harmlessly denigrating their culture by selling war bonnets,” she continued. “It’s political correctness gone fucking mental in the head.”
Finally, several liberal pundits became visibly enraged that they were left out of the ongoing debate and forcefully began to position themselves in the furore, having nothing better to do, and make vocal declamations regarding the events that, while probably sincere and well intentioned, ultimately were themselves denounced by academics for making several inadvertently stereotypical and racist statements about Native Americans, right-wing commentators and Glastonbury attendees.
