Australian weird-tronica proprietor Anklepants, famed for his unusual and macabre stage costumes featuring a gyrating penis for a nose, has reportedly shocked fans with his most “terrifying and awkward costume to date” – a lifelike mask of Tiësto’s face.
The producer, whose onstage schtick involves live DJing as well as tooting on various novelty instruments and dancing about looking weird, reportedly came up with the idea after growing bored with the shock value of his act.
“It was around the same time that I came across the Terry Richardson photo shoot with Tiësto,” he explained. “And by that I mean I saw it in a magazine, not that I ejaculated on it.”
“In fact I was probably the furthest a human could be from being sexually aroused, I was terrified,” continued Anklepants whose ensemble for the day includes the top half of what looks like a children’s Beetlejuice costume with comedy yellow suspenders holding up a pair of multicoloured sequin pants and socks that just say ‘terror tech’ in blood red stitching.
“I immediately closed the magazine and threw it into a cupboard to take away its terrible curse but it was too late, Tiësto’s weird face was seared into my brain forever.”
“Anyone who has seen that photo shoot will know what I mean, the awkward poses, the ill-fitting clothes, the strange plastered-on smile that made it look like his entire face was actually just a painting stretched across a reptile’s skull….,” he shuddered causing his nose-penis to tremble hypnotically.
“There’s just nothing more awkward or terrifying than seeing a grown man doing a major photo shoot wearing double-denim and giving thumbs up and leaping like an excited yet slightly retarded child.”
Anklepants, real name Josh Head, showed the magazine shoot to several friends who, even though they were fans of gore-porn horror franchises like Saw and could watch ISIS beheading videos without vomiting, all decided it was the most off-putting image that had ever been “seared like a hot brand onto the soft flesh of [their] minds” and recommended Anklepants use it for his next stage ensemble.
The producer debuted the outfit, a Tiësto mask replete with a pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt, at a show in a small London nightclub last weekend which witnesses say “began with screams and ended with tears”.
“I was expecting something quirky, original and faintly grotesque,” chimed one witness who is undergoing a bout of psychiatric care following the show. “But never, in a million years of hard trance, did I expect to be terrified quite so forcefully. I find it hard to look at Tiësto’s head at the best of times but when it’s someone wearing a constantly smiling, unblinking mask of Tiësto it’s different.”
“It’s like a man wearing a dick-mask wearing a mask of a dickhead,” she added.
The show dramatically ended five minutes into the set, which featured a version of Adagio for Strings being hummed by a crying child, after everyone in the audience became overwhelmed with the horror of what they were seeing – with some even attempting to slit their wrists on the broken shards of their pint glasses “just to make it stop”.
“If I’ve learnt anything from this it’s that looking like Tiësto is patently more horrifying then having a gyrating penis for a face,” reflected Anklepants on the success of the show. “I just think that this time I may have gone a bit too far…”
