Aging urban poseurs are reportedly facing a crisis of identity after they’ve begun to find it increasingly difficult to adequately fit into their skinny jeans.
Since the “hipster” movement burgeoned in the last decade after Gavin McInnes forgot to shave or change clothes for a few weeks in 2002, white middle class hipsters have been defined using the skinniness of their jeans as a kind of twat barometer of affected cool.
Unfortunately for those early hipsters, now just inappropriately dressed thirty-somethings, they are no longer the limber youngsters endowed with the slim waistlines of weekly ecstasy users and fast metabolisms that they once were.
“It’s just terrible to see the cold specter of cultural irrelevance rear its ugly head when you’re so young,” claimed Daniel Burnish, a 32-year-old man who has been affected by what some people have called “hipster menopause” and what others have simply termed “aging”.
“I feel like my life is just starting,” he elaborated, “but, if I can’t look like a 24-year-old Arts graduate with a vague, undirected societal disenfranchisement expressed unironically via Snapchat on my iPhone 6, I might as well be dead.”
“I tried to pass off my inability to wear skinnies and a move towards bootcut as an ironic normcore thing,” continued Daniel. “But you can only dress ironically for so long before people begin to suspect that you’re no longer an aging hipster but actually a young curduroy wearing, anorak-clad career paedophile,” he added.
Reports of aging hipsters “literally bursting at the seams” and “feeling increasingly irrelevant” have emerged in various hipster hotspots like London’s Shoreditch, Berlin’s Kreuzberg and Dublin’s South William Street, with many feeling like the only option is to undergo dramatic gastric surgeries to trim unwanted fat.
“I’ll probably go under the knife,” continued Daniel. “And live-tweet the whole thing to my following of craft beer guzzling media drones. I’ll probably splice together the footage with images of Kim Kardashian crying to a soundtrack of Sigur Ros…or something.”
“That’ll prove my hipster chops while I recover from painful, irrevocable surgery,” he added.
If you or anyone you know has been affected by the hipster menopause then you’re advised to “just give up the charade of youthful exuberance, stop going to so many gigs, drink more tea and gwo up”.
