A bill has been passed by President Barack Obama in Washington this week that will see the introduction of EDM lessons in all American kindergartens.
The bill was originally proposed to The House of Representatives – and quickly rejected – in 2009. However, due to the increasing reputation of EDM in modern popular culture the bill was reintroduced earlier this year and was quickly approved and passed on to the Senate, where it received overwhelming support and was fast tracked for Presidential approval.
According to political analyst and EDM DJ Wolfgang Gartner, the EDM lessons will take place on a daily basis directly before recess, because “EDM is kind of boring and will help kids sleep”, and will see all five and six year olds learn valuable lessons in EDM production, DJing, club promotion, rave etiquette, responsible drug use, making cakes, counting money and being an asshole.
“There’s been so much negative publicity in the press about EDM lately, the general public seem to think all we do is party and take drugs,” claimed Gartner earlier this week, “but that’s just not the case, sure we take a lot of drugs and party all the time but we also do other stuff like drink alcohol, eat, sleep and screw models – the sooner people are educated about EDM the better.”
“It’s great to see EDM finally getting the recognition from Washington that it deserves,” continued Gartner, real name Joseph Thomas Youngman. “Hopefully with a better understanding of EDM kids won’t have to grow up and feel the need to reject their family and culture by changing their names to something more European sounding to seem more credible in the industry, like I did.”
There has been much criticism of the bill amongst kindergarten teachers, many of whom believe “EDM is only a fad” that will soon disappear like “the shit stains on DJ Sneaks boxer shorts after a 150ºF wash or a line of coke in front of Ricardo Villalobos”.
“It’s just not fair on us,” claimed one angry kindergarten teacher. “Us teachers are far too old to enjoy or understand EDM so why should we have spend an hour teaching that shit everyday? It’s bad enough we have to teach the kids about god and religion, we’re already filling their heads with enough crap without adding this rancid pile of goat’s shit into the equation.”
According to a Washington source, the government hope to introduce a resident EDM DJ into every kindergarten to assist with the lessons by 2016, a move which could see DJs like Gartner move from the stage to the classroom on a permanent basis.
