Pop-rap gimpster will.i.am has today weighed in on the recent debate over who shot Osama Bin Laden by claiming it was him who actually killed the terrorist leader.
Speaking to TMZ this afternoon at the launch of his new range of birth control pills, pill.I.am/not, the geometrically haired fashion-hobbit made the startling claim that he fired the bullet which caused Bin Laden to die in a pool of blood, and vomit, and beard.
“I totally killed him, people are claiming that I’m just some kind of attention-magpie, eager to take credit for any old thing but they’re wrong, in fact I planned the entire operation,” claimed an angry will.i.am. “I’m also responsible for the whole Alex from Target viral campaign, the Ten Commandments and inventing Facebook.”
“All these people, former marines, men who were actually there, coming out and saying they killed Bin Laden…it just makes me sick,” offered the Black Eyed Pea. “Sure they were there and their gunfire sounds similar to my gunfire but it was me who killed him, and I’m willing to settle out of court to prove it.”
“No-one crashes planes into the World Trade Center and gets away with it,” spat will.I.am. “Not on my watch!”
will.i.am, real name something normal and not stupid, claimed he shot the man believed to have been responsible for 9/11 because “a lot of Black Eyed Peas fans died that day” and “Osama wrote a scathing blogpost on Pitchfork saying [will.i.am’s] first album was a gag-inducing vanity project that epitomised everything that’s wrong with Western civilization”.
“It was clear from that sick review that Bin Laden hated freedom, and more specifically, my music,” he added. “Which is preposterous! Sure go ahead hate freedom and the entire artifice of Western culture all you want, but my music? You’ve got to be some kind of perverted, tasteless despot to not like my contribution to music history – such as my funny dress sense, needless iPhone accessories and eh, I Gotta Feeling.”
“Yeah that’s right, I wrote that, me! When has Bin Laden ever written a masterpiece like that, a song so catchy that it’ll rattle around your head for years and make it impossible for you to start a sentence with “I gotta feeling” without immediately thinking “tonight’s gonna be a good night” and dying a little inside,” he added.
“I’m just annoyed that we buried him at sea,” concluded the singer, or whatever he is. “I done a pen drawing of two will.I.am shaped planes crashing into a mosque on his bare arse. Sort of like a Banksy, except racist and done on a dead terrorist.”
