Melty-faced Christmas ghost, Andrew Lloyd Webber, today opened the misshapen hole on the front of his skull to announce that he would be writing a new musical based around Irvine Welsh’s scag novel Trainspotting.
Lloyd Webber insisted that the adaptation would strictly adhere to both the film and novel’s grim aesthetic while still attempting to glamorise smack addiction as much as possible by having the parts acted out by “pretty, drama school types with track marks and shit teeth”.
“I’m hoping that this production will highlight the need for serious discussion on heroin abuse in Scotland through the entirely appropriate medium of song and dance,” he quipped while lifting his theatrically curved eyebrows and panting. “If I have to crowbar some of Begbie’s more sinister threats into a snappy melody, or address Tommy’s unfortunate death through a glittery metaphor, I’ll do it.”
“Naturally, like the X-Factor, American Idol or any of the tinsel-covered pageants of dickbaggery I’ve ever written, the contrived narrative will suggest that learning how to be a prancing, leotard clad drama-pimp is enough to redeem anybody,” he added. “Even dribbling smackheads and Scotsmen.”
The musical writer, who feeds on the tears of children and has been wearing a Grinch costume for the last half century, is expected to follow up this tour-de-force with musical adaptations of American Psycho and Fight Club; while original Trainspotting novelist, Irvine Welsh, is expected to take on the broadway musical with his new novel, High School Musical: You Buftie Cunt.
“We’ll be combining original music with some of the tracks from the film. Some of the harsher tracks will have their teeth pulled and be made more musical friendly by being sung over a suspiciously syllabic dialogue,” explained Lloyd Webber. “The rest of the tracks will be written by Lady Gaga as we try to achieve that garish, hyper-real dystopian look she pretends to enjoy.”
Sources close to the production have claimed that it will contain hits from the film including Bedrock’s For What You Dream Of and Underworlds’s Born Slippy, which will be keeping its lyrics in its original nonsensical form.
“It’s going to be the better than heroin,” concluded Lloyd Webber before disappearing in a puff of purple smoke.
