Norwegian disco purveryor Todd Terje’s iconic moustache, voted world’s best by Moustache Magazine for the last four issues, has been dramatically stolen, sources confirm.
The moustache, the only living example of an erogenous zone existing outside the human body, was snatched in a daring early morning raid as Todd was sleeping next to his fireplace on a life-sized faux-fur rug in the shape of Brian Ferry’s face.
Mr. Terje, pictured with the moustache in happier times, is said to be devastated to have woken up and felt the wispy arctic air brush his exposed upper lip and is offering a €10,000 reward for the safe return of his face bush.
“This isn’t a five o clock shadow that was stolen and can be easily replaced by approximately 5pm the next day, this is a full blown 24 carat, rustic moustache that has been the jewel of Todd’s face since 2010,” claimed a source close to Terje. “It’s really affected him, people have been saying he looks ten years younger and that now on cold days his snots aren’t hidden in the bushy folds of his lip hair, his Norse god aesthetic is ruined.”
According to friends Mr. Terje has taken to wearing a replacement strap-on moustache made of vole’s hair and modeled on Bismark’s epic fluff but that unfortunately “it doesn’t work without the spiky helmet, it’s too big and you might mistake him for a slightly eccentric homeless man who likes to walk around with a Corgi strapped to the front of his face”.
The moustache is described as off-red, billowy yet masculine with a pseudo-80s charm and responds to the name Olaf LipKing and was last seen living on the face of Norway’s top disco export, claimed a police statement.
“We’re advising members of the public that if they spot the moustache, perhaps adorning the face of someone who can’t grow their own or contained in a plexi-glass case in the home of an inordinately rich Todd Terje stalker-fan, to not try to apprehend it themselves and to call the authorities immediately,” offered police spokesperson Hagrid Malbern. “We’re not about to lose a moustache to some wannabe hero, not on my watch!”
“We’re confident that the suspect, of which we have some leads, won’t be able to wear the moustache him or herself without it being spotted so they may attempt to sell it on the international moustache black market,” continued police.
“Thankfully though we believe we can track the seller and ultimately stop it from falling into the hands of terrorists or Burt Reynolds – who, as we all know, likes to hunt and kill any man with a moustache so bushy that it may challenge his own and cut it directly off their face using a rusty Stanley blade.”
Police have drawn up a preliminary list of suspects that includes Burt Reynolds, the last surviving members of The Village People and famed anti-facial hair campaigner Cristiano Ronaldo who police say “is known to be angered that he is incapable of growing one himself” and has the capabilities “to get in and out of house like a pacey gazelle, provided there’s a football at his feet”.
