Tibetan Buddhism spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, is set to surprise audiences at this weekend’s Glastonbury festival with what sources have claimed will be a “four hour set of stomping deep house”.
“We’re absolutely delighted to have the Dalai Lama play at Glastonbury,” confirmed a spokesperson for the festival via a press release. “Glastonbury has always been considered a spiritual site so to have one of the world’s foremost religious authorities take to the decks here is a real coup.”
Buddhist practitioners around the country were said to have been so delighted with the announcement of the Dalai Lama’s upcoming appearance at the festival that they celebrated wildly by sitting in a chair silently for some twenty minutes before boisterously downing a stiff glass of high proof water.
“I was a bit surprised when I heard it was a deep house set though,” expressed one admirer from a cross legged position beneath a tree in the carpark of a local Waitrose – the most white, middle-class and therefore Buddhist supermarket in Britain. “I always thought he’d be more into jungle.”
A spokesperson for the Dalai Lama spoke for his person and denied concerned rumours that the appearance would be nothing more than a brief and meaningless “Pope-style waving” and would include “a few absolute stompers”.
“Well naturally people thought the obvious thing – that the Dalai would be delivering some sort of Buddhist sermon at the festival, or leading a mass meditation on the increasingly materialistic aspects of the Somerset festival itself, or checking out whichever aging and irrelevant dinosaur band are occupying the main stage,” explained the source close to the Dalai. “But in actual fact, having come across Jimpster’s podcast last year, he’s become a massive deep house fan.”
“Whereas normally he’d listen to the soft murmurings of monks chanting softly, the sounds of his own mindfulness, and speedcore,” added the source. “Some of which he may incorporate into the set. He likes to decide on the day based on the crowd reaction.”
Claiming that the Dalai Lama has been a dance music fan for years, the spokesperson suggested that he would be “most likely playing in the Green Fields or one of those hippy-dippy areas” and that the set would “begin at 5am to embrace the beauty of the oncoming summer dawn with a heart full of love, and a head full of top, top quality MD”.
“This will be the most spiritual set that Glastonbury has ever experienced,” concluded the Dalai Lama’s spokesperson who is now apparently working a second job as his hype man. “If this isn’t the most uplifting, spiritual and religious experience you have at next year’s Glastonbury then I don’t know what you can do, except probably DMT.”
