Las Vegas arse blister of a nightclub XS has reportedly splashed out a whopping $10 million dollars on an unnecessary new load of gizmos to turn their venue into a glitzy millionaire’s theme park rather than a nightclub.
The additions to the club include a large-scale flame, pyrotechnic and laser system and high-resolution LED video screen upgrades so that the clubber will be so inundated with visual stimuli that he or she won’t notice the terrible music and overpriced drinks.
“We’ve made so many unnecessary and garish additions to our ‘club’ that we can easily warrant charging people several hundred dollars for entry,” claimed a club spokesperson via a gold plated phone. “Everybody knows that the most important aspect of the clubbing experience is what the DJ is doing as well as the visuals and flames and table service so we’re catering to that.”
“People are definitely going to come, drop a grand on some champagne, see the lights and turn to their friend and say ‘that’s sick bro,'” he continued. “When that happens, I’ll know that the $10 million we spent will have been totally, totally worth it.”
While the owners are delighted to have constructed a hyper-capitalist super club others are concerned that all the money spent is window dressing for an underwhelming and inauthentic clubbing experience and would have been better served by “adding a single strobe and some techno”.
“Whoever runs the club has his head so far up his arse that it’s gone back up through his body, out of his mouth and is now just walking around dribbling vomit and shit all down himself while people gape open mouthed at whatever the fuck it is they’re seeing,” claimed one critic. “Sort of like the club itself.”
“If XS, as they claim, are part of the dance music experience then the rest of the clubbing world is anathema to everything they’re doing.”
“The relationship of EDM super clubs like this one to the rest of dance music is akin to a schizophrenic man standing in the street with his trousers down, wanking with one hand while at the same time repeatedly punching himself in his own face with the other.”
“You can only do that for so long until someone cums or passes out,” he added.
“When you think that clubs like Plastic People in London closed this week while this monstrosity stays open you’ve got to weep a little in your heart for the situation,” he concluded. “It’s like closing down a Michelin star restaurant so that you can eat at a Burger King instead.”
