The National Health Service has today announced plans to make hair growth hormones available to patients who are incapable of growing the now ubiquitous hipster beard.
Over the last few years the NHS has provided a raft of cosmetic treatments to patients who are suffering from feelings of physical inadequacy in the hope that it will alleviate and address their issues.
“I’ve never been able to grow a beard,” confided beardless designer Simon Kingston, who in lieu of being able to grow a proper beard like a man attempts to assert his masculinity by cultivating a camp, Robin Hood-esque goatee. “All I could ever really manage was this patchy and vaguely effeminate goatee which unfortunately makes me look like a street magician or a vampire from a Hammer horror.”
“And unfortunately that look isn’t in right now,” added a bereft Simon who says that despite his inability to grow hair on his face he strictly adheres to a hipster aesthetic in every other aspect of his life by wearing checked shirts, riding a fixed gear bike and having a career in new media.
Simon, and men suffering to adapt to the now normative face hair, will be able to undergo a round of hormonal treatments that an NHS spokesperson claims will leave them “looking like a 70s paedophile dressed as a suicide bomber, or your money back”.
“We’ve made some amazing leaps in promoting hair growth over the last few years and it’s now quite cheap to offer this service to men with the follicle thickness of a 10-year-old boy’s pubes,” explained an NHS spokesperson. “No longer will men have to resort to urban legend quackery like rubbing a variety of piss and semen into your face in the hopes that your hair will grow.”
Simon is reportedly delighted that within a few weeks he’ll be able to proudly sport a thick face of tawny brown bristles and is planning to celebrate with a glass of artisanal goji berry beer and gluten free cigarettes.
Some other male cosmetic treatments that the NHS are set to bring in for the benefit of hipsters include full sleeve tattoos, cigarette rolling lessons, a wasted degree in multimedia and hair de-curling for the slick backed straight look.
