The National Divorces Register have today issued a scary hairy prediction which estimates that almost 100% of couples formed on the back of the ongoing hipster beard trend are heading for a certain demise as soon as young men all over the country shave their once prided beards.
This razor sharp statistic is due to the fact that the majority of women haven’t got a clue who they have been married to behind the mass of well groomed facial camouflage and only married them because “beards are on point right now”.
We spoke with Poppy (a part time NutriBullet owner), from Hackney who still struggles to comprehend how her former husband’s decision to shave has caused her once perfect existence of real ales, Sunday morning bagels and vaginal tickling, has now descended into spending each Saturday wandering aimlessly around Topshop with nothing more than her own tears and an egg McMuffin for comfort.
“He just came out of the bathroom one morning and stood there with his naked face staring at me,” explained Poppy over a lunch of Ryvita and oxygen. “I had no idea that behind that fuzzy waxed beard of glory was a pale, spotty grimace that would put any women off her Strawberry and Ginger breakfast tea.”
Poppy is one of thousands of women who married a husband with a beard thanks to a process of subtle manipulation by the mass media that left women convinced that beards are the pinnacle of male sex appeal, at least until such a time as some other style affectation comes along.
“I was just looking at him thinking ‘what have I done? How will our children look without beards?'” continued a bereft Poppy who now resorts to aimlessly running her fingers through the coats of random dogs on the street to get her beard fondle fix. “I just never imagined a life without beard. I’m back at my mums now, my marriage is in tatters, and I last heard he’d left his London job as an artisanal ketchup maker to work as a car salesman in Milton Keynes.”
Many of the nation’s dating sites have also noticed a major increase in subscriptions from men in their early to mid thirties primarily around the Shoreditch area of London, formerly beard central.
Gloria from popular online dating site Men v Women told us, “we’ve just had all these divorced blokes suddenly appear on our database sporting irregular sized chins and strange facial tanning. They’re sorta brown around the nose and then pasty white down the rest of the face. I’ve not seen anything like it since Mick Hucknell.”
