The reported upsurge in popularity for food extractor NutriBullet is based almost entirely on self-confessed “session head” ravers buying the item in their latest deluded attempt to be healthier.
Despite chewing enough pills to kill a Lee Foss and having a permanent layer of cocaine caked to the walls of their nostrils most ravers are operating under the mistaken belief that if they own a NutriBullet they’ll automatically wipe out the years of excess and be ushered into the ranks of the healthy.
“I just bought a NutriBullet there yesterday and almost instantly I felt healthier and had an urge to regale people with my newfound commitment to clean living, I haven’t used it but can totally feel the benefits,” explained 3-day-partier Justin Bradley. “You should totally buy one dude, the benefits are amazing, and I’m hoping it lets me destroy my body from Friday to Sunday if I’m living on a variety of greenish liquids for the rest of the week.”
Justin is reportedly one of tens of thousands of scaggy pill-mutants who have faced 2015 with the rattling guilt of a lifelong recreational drug user finally facing up to the fact that all the partying is probably unhealthy and buying a NutriBullet to “sort the body out”.
“We’ve sold millions, mostly to former partiers on doomed-to-fail health kicks,” explained a NutriBullet spokesperson. “It’s not really our prerogative that they actually use it and get healthy, so long as they buy the product.”
Friends of Justin’s have expressed doubt that his purchase of a NutriBullet will herald in a new era of clean living claiming that “he’s just too much of a session head, he’ll probably use it once then crumble like wet cardboard at the prospect of a can and a fag” and insist that he’s much more likely to “use it as a fruit filled lava lamp when he’s tripping balls and for tapping cigarette ash into”.
“Just because I enjoy a drink and a snort doesn’t mean that I too can’t buy a NurtiBullet, use it for a month of fad eating and leaving it to gather dust in a cupboard like everyone else,” responded an angry Justin who says that even if he doesn’t use it he’ll keep it in a cupboard for when he finally does get his act together – next to the pull up bar, bicycle and judo suit. “But I think this year is 100% definitely the year to get fit, at least until festival season kicks off so yeah people saying I won’t use it are talking balls.”
“I’ll get loads of use out of it, it can be used to crush ice for cocktails right?” he added.
