The Footballer Players’ Association have today lashed out at what they perceive to be the undeserved deification of superstar DJs by insisting that it’s not a real job.
Being trapped in a macho, working class timewarp has imbued the nation’s footballers with the belief that the only job that men can have requires physical exertion like football manager, football pundit and footballer.
“I don’t really have any conception of what people in offices do so I can’t say if that’s a real job,” gurned Leyton Rangers midfielder Kyle Brackett. “The gaffer has an office and his is a real job like kicking a football and going the gym cause he thinks about people running and football and that.”
“What’s definitely not a real job is spending all day playing songs off a laptop and going to nightclubs,” continued the man who is paid several thousand pounds a week to kick a lump of leather and rubber around a park. “I’ve been to nightclubs and all it is is drinking champagne and trying to figure out which teenager to spit roast in a Travel Lodge.”
“If that’s considered ‘work’ then I’m in the wrong career,” he added.
Footballers misgivings about the validity of a job where a not especially talented person is paid exorbitant fees for to do very little apparently includes all musicians – although 100% of footballers have admitted to being fans of over-hyped middle of the road guitar bands like Stereophonics, Keane and Beady Eye.
“They’re proper bands, with songs that you can chant along to,” explained Kyle. “DJs songs don’t even have words in them and yet they get all this money and they still manage to get all arsey and entitled like their something special, try being a footballer. I had to get up and play football with my mates for 6 hours today followed by another hour signing autographs for thousands of adoring fans. It’s tiring.”
“Kicking a football to a place and then running around is one of the toughest jobs around,” he continued. “Way tougher than being a DJ, the only one of them who I can see doing any sort of real work is Steve Aoki, he’s always running around the stage and working up a sweat.”
DJs have lashed out at the accusation that they’re such overpaid prima-donnas that even footballers think they’re overpaid by insisting that the opinion of the fans is more important than those of footballers.
“To be honest, if I heard that a footballer was a fan of my music then I’d be afraid what I’m doing is too broad and populist,” chimed one DJ.
A lot of the footballers interviewed however insisted that Calvin Harris is allowed cause his tracks are “ace” and that most of the extremely young girls are into them and it makes it easier to lure them into VIP and plough them with champagne and group sex.
