Trance DJ Sander Van Doorn has hit back at reports this week which claim that he is not a cannibal by insisting that he “has tasted the gamey richness of human flesh many times”.
Reports in Holland that the DJ was not a misanthropic vampiric serial killer were met with consternation by representatives of Van Doorns who claim that “he totally eats people” and that he will “bite to the death anyone who says otherwise”.
“To say that Sander isn’t a cannibal is plainly wrong,” confided one source close to Van Doorn, “and it’s actually damaging to his brand.”
“I know for a fact that he eats humans for dinner, being especially partial to the earlobes of children,” continued the source. “I once saw him eat the raw anus of a 34-year-old Korean construction worker for a dare.”
“We didn’t think he’d do it but he proved us all wrong,” continued the source. “Now he’s the one with €500 worth of Pioneer vouchers and a half a joint.”
Sander himself agreed to an interview during which he refuted the lies that he has never even tasted his own blood never mind someone else’s and explained his history of cannibalism.
“I first started eating people when I attended an Eyes Wide Shut style sex and blood party in Paul Van Dyke’s Gothic mansion,” explained Van Doorn. “I was very new to the trance scene, for example this was before I found out that all trance DJs are actually vampire cannibals who feed on the flesh of the young, so it all came as something of a shock when Armin Van Buuren opened a young attendees throat with a knife and beckoned me to start suckling the blood.”
“Wanting to fit in, I drank his blood and eventually ate his penis,” continued Van Doorn. “It was delicious, like a veiny Bratwurst.”
Van Doorn claims that behind the glitzy lights, extended breakdowns and heartfelt vocals of the trance scene there is a secret cannibalistic underbelly which forces DJs to eat other people to gain prestige and talent.
“All of my talent is derived from the fact that I eat rivals,” offered Van Doorn. “The only people who are immune to the cabal’s interference are those whose surnames contain ‘Van.'”
It is not known whether Van Doorn hunts hit victims or has them brought to him like a pre-historic Bablyonian trance king but fans suggest “hopefully”.
