American rap mogul Diddy has reportedly started an intensive schedule of jaw workouts ahead of this summer’s Ibiza party season.
Diddy, a.k.a Puff Daddy, a.k.a. Puffy, a.k.a. P Diddy, a.k.a. Sean Combs, a.k.a. Lorenzo the One Legged Labrador, hopes that by strengthening his jaw he will look more “in place” amongst Ibiza’s seasoned ravers and less like a “pilled up tit” or “Pill Diddy” as he was labelled by a number of anonymous onlookers on DC10 terrace last summer.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is for an American to be taken seriously in a club in Ibiza?” asked Diddy, over pronouncing the ‘z’ in Ibiza, after being asked about the reasoning behind the jaw workouts earlier. “Very mutherfucking hard – that’s how hard it is. Yo!”
“The fact that I’m a black mutherfucking rapper in a predominantly white man’s world walking around with my jaw doing motherfucking summersaults away from my face don’t help neither,” spat Diddy with great flow. “Seen as I’m a happy black American the only thing I want to change is this motherfucking sculpted masterpiece of a mutherfucking jaw. Word!”
“I just want to fit in and be accepted,” continued Diddy in a distinctly quieter tone. “I don’t like it when people make fun of me. People been making fun of the D-Man in the rap game for years and it ain’t gonna happen in the dance game. You hear me?” he added with the vulnerability of a wilting flower.
According to Diddy’s friend and dance music chaperone Guy Gerber, Diddy is very self conscious about the level of contortionism apparent in his jaw while raving and believes it is holding him back from becoming a respected producer in the industry.
“Yeah he hates the way his jaw swings when he’s partying,” explained Gerber. “I recommended he had it wired shut but he like eating and speaking so he decided to work it out and build up strength instead.”
“He’s been working really hard at it lately,” continued Gerber who released the album 11:11 with Diddy last year. “He’s been pulling a fat kid on a trike up and down the street only using his mouth and hanging 100 kilo weights off his jaw while chewing cast iron nuts and bolts. His jaw should be in great shape by the summer.”
